


until the flowers bloom

by belldroy101



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Developing Relationship, Eventual Romance, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Swearing, like a lot of those lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-10-10 14:22:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10439607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belldroy101/pseuds/belldroy101
Summary: Hoseok looks at him and thinks, “This kid will never make it.”alternatively; a study in growth between Changkyun and Hoseok





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> title lowkey from bts' spring day bc i'm a multifandom hoe  
> this is highkey the result of me loving introspection and wonkyun and the changes from no mercy era to now, and being so frustrated at the lack of fic for monsta x that i said fuck it and took it into my own hands

Hoseok, for the most part, would consider himself an okay person. He isn’t perfect, by any means, he’s still young and he’s made a lot of mistakes. He has known poverty and partying and promiscuity. Has hurt good people in the process, and some bad ones too, and maybe they deserved it, or maybe they didn’t: but he would like to think his moral compass has become pretty sound through those experiences. 

That's the thing about being an okay person: good people can fall much quicker into becoming bad people, if only for a little while, because they can't recognize when they are falling, because they are so good. The higher you are to the top the more time there is as you fall to be ignorant to the fact that you're changing into someone you won't recognize once you eventually hit the ground. But people right in the middle, like Hoseok, have seen both ends of the spectrum, and can tell before they teeter off the edge. And it never hurts when he falls, because he's not as high up as the good people. He can look down and he can gauge the distance, and he knows he's an okay person right now.

That inner wisdom is why his morals are relatively okay, he thinks.

Even then, when the new kid comes to No.Mercy, he knows it will test those morals.

Because Hoseok is an okay person, but he’s also human in a very high pressure and shitty situation. So, he really feels like he should naturally be more angry. Furious even. But, that really isn’t where his mind goes: he doesn’t have Kihyun’s unrestrained fire or Minhyuk’s blind frustration or Jooheon’s threatened stare. 

He’s just, surprised. Incredulous maybe. That the producers would actually do something like this.

But that’s the thing about trying for a life in the limelight, lesson number fucking one to wanting to be an idol, everyone has their own agendas. He’s sat quietly through the heated discussions Jooheon and Gunhee have had late at night about this exact topic, when the two of them are kept awake by the uncertainty that’s always nipping at their heels and Hoseok pretends not to listen. Privacy is hard to come by when you’re sharing a too-small dorm with a horde of too-big young adults, so Hoseok tries to give them their space when they want it, even if that’s the best he can do. 

He’s an okay person, not a good person, so he doesn’t feel overly guilty for eavesdropping. 

The two of them would whisper fervently at the audacity of it all as he feigned sleep on the couch. The idea of playing the puppet to get the angle that someone else wants to be perfect. Knowing that this whole thing is just a shitshow to squeeze the most cash out of something that is already largely predecided. Going through Hell as the higher ups turn their heads and avert their eyes and watch the ratings. They don't care about the lives they ruin and the hearts they break along the way, they just want to find the next big moneymaker. 

Jooheon and Gunhee resent No.Mercy for all that it is and all that it represents. They hate it with all the passion and vigor that he would expect out of the spitfire rapper duo and Hoseok hates it too. He really does, his heart too open and his soul too bare to ever be as inauthentic as he feels is expected of him sometimes, but he knows what he has to do to provide for his family, and if this a part of it: so be it. Which is not to say that he doesn’t love to sing and make music, doesn’t love being a part of a team and being a part of something bigger, because he does with all his heart.

In his more vulnerable moments he may even admit to himself that music is the one thing he touches that he has no fear he’ll destroy. 

But that does not mean he is ignorant to what a small part they get to play in the grand scheme of these things, he does. He hates it, but he knows what it entails. 

So objectively, Hoseok should really not be shocked at this turn of events. 

But still, seeing the greed of those behind the cameras as they purposely throwing an infant to the wolves for the sake of good television, in the form of a quiet, awkward boy in the closing episodes of the show is a little off putting. A little much. Dare he say, maybe even a little overkill?

Although people who run shows like this would never care about the opinions of someone like him, so Hoseok digresses. 

This boy, this martyr for the cause of television avarice, introduces himself. He use his stagename because the cameras are still rolling and real names don’t exist when the camera is rolling and Hoseok thinks his first feeling when he sees him isn’t anger. And the surprise of this decision that he really should’ve seen coming is now fading into something else. If he were to put a word to it, he thinks what he feels is pity. Because sure, someone coming this late in the game definitely feels like a surefire debut, and subjectively; that thought does leave a twang of bitterness in him, just for a beat something dark and angry manifests and he feels a little like less than an okay person. 

But then the beat passes, and he recognizes that that surefire debut is only surefire if one of the other trainees doesn’t kill him first. 

And he can’t help it, Hoseok looks at him and thinks, “This kid will never make it.” 

Because he looks so young, and you can tell how nervous he is. Looking so small and so uncomfortable in his too-big jacket, his face pale and lips bitten. He looks utterly terrified, and damn straight he should be. For bullshit tension fabricated by the cameras, the agitation in this room is the most toxic Hoseok has ever felt and he feels like he’s choking on it as surely as this kid is too. Choking on the conflict that is already so distorted and backwards and Hoseok wants to scream because this is so fucking stupid. He’s a lot of things good and bad but being a pawn is not one of them and this new kid with his fear and his wide eyes and his awkward silence; and his friends with their fury and animosity and jaws clenched so tight; are all playing right into what they want. 

He wants to say, “If there’s an us against them, it should not be between this kid and the other trainees.”

But no one is saying anything, fists held so tight under the table Hoseok is worried someone is going to pop a knuckle out of place, so he says the first thing that he can think of as being semi passable for neutrality, “You came at the worst timing.” 

It is true, he came after the most emotionally exhausting and devastating day of an already emotionally exhausting and devastating experience. And because everyone has an agenda, Hoseok knows this was on purpose.

K.Will dropping this kid off then leaving him alone here with them is the equivalent to chopping off his hand and throwing him into shark infested waters. Just for the kicks the producers probably made sure to pick out the kid who couldn’t swim.

They end up going back to the dorm, and the new kid wanders and flits around. Never staying in one place long enough to give people the opportunity to tell him it’s the wrong one. His fellow trainess are not bad people, Hoseok knows. They are good people put in a bad situation that has forced them into a box where there is nowhere to place their anger but on the easiest target, and the producers have painted it bright red on this new boys back. The other boys are falling; and Hoseok is an okay person so he can gauge the distance and he knows the landing will hurt them, that it is hurting them, and that it is hurting the kid too. 

That’s what happens to good people in bad situations.

But the thing is, the thing that makes it different for him is: Hoseok is not a good person.

There are a few things Hoseok is absolutely sure about:

Hoseok is an okay person, so he’s sure that’s why he could look at this kid (Changkyun, he learns is his real name; because the camera is off now at the dorm and real names exist again) and the situation and allow himself to see it differently: to see a boy who is struggling to keep his head above water and the sharks from gnawing at his feet because everyone has their own agendas. He is sure that this boy won’t have many friends here. 

Hoseok just isn’t sure if he’ll be one of them.

And that- that sounds cruel. But he never claimed to be a good person. Even for an okay person, he doesn’t like how twisted it comes across even in his head and he gauges the distance he’s at and it’s lower down than he wants it to be. Hoseok loves his family and he loves music and he has a big heart and he is an okay person, and that night he promises himself that he can’t let this competition make him into a bad one. 

There are a few things Hoseok is absolutely sure about:

He is sure they picked the kid who couldn’t swim.

And something about the way he looks, sitting so stiff and unsure in his too-big jacket and stupid striped socks in a too-big empty room in a too-small dorm, tells Hoseok that he’s not going to be able to bear watching him drown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope it came across that no mercy purposely pit people against eachother in a high pressure scenario and i don't think any of them are bad people. i REALLY hope it didn't seem like i tried to villainize any of them bc that is the exact opposite of what i was trying to convey. 
> 
> also hoseoks thought processes and justifications are purposely disjointed and not always super clear bc i think during a time like no mercy that'd make sense
> 
> you should comment and tell me what you think bc comments are the lifeblood of writers


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i debated for a heck of a long time on whether to make this one or two chapters considering that this is over twice the length of the first, but decided against it because i think it works more effectively as a whole

Changkyun surprises Hoseok.

During his time on No.Mercy he is quiet and understated except when he’s not. When he takes on Jooheon with a challenging stare and says he’s better, Hoseok’s eyes almost popped out of his head. When he gets on stage and commands attention with his deep voice and cool expression Hoseok can’t help but crane his neck to look. Changkyun has nerve and guts, and Hoseok finds him absolutely fascinating to watch.

But for all Changkyun does have; he still doesn’t have any friends, not really.

With time, the shock fades away and the anger loses its potency. As new challenges have come to be at the forefront of everyone’s minds the big bad curveball named Changkyun is largely put to the side.

But he’s all alone there.

They can talk and be civil and work together when need be, can even smile and laugh for the cameras. But when the downtime comes, when the night is over and everyone is looking for a moment to breathe, when they are just boys and not trainees, no one is at his side.

That particular day had been a long one: with the show now only 48 hours from ending, practice had been excessive and difficult and everyone was putting in more work than Hoseok initially thought possible for a human being to survive through. Somehow though, he thought proudly, they all had.

Who would be surviving at the end though, that was the question lingering on everyone’s minds.

With tensions so high and everyone being too hyped up on adrenaline and fear to sleep right away when they got home even with the exhaustion, Gunhee had suggested a movie night. Minhyuk had immediately materialized with some shitty, poorly translated action flick on his outdated ipad and Jooheon and Yoonho had got to work spreading out all the blankets and pillows on the floor in the living room.

Hoseok had watched them all from the hallway and felt a deep love blossoming in his chest at the sight.

Everyone had huddled together as close as possible to see a margin of the small screen but Hoseok didn’t mind, especially with the lack of heating in their dorm. Kihyun’s feet are in his lap and Shownu’s elbow is digging into his side but Hoseok can’t keep the smile off of his face. Even with sore muscles and fear weighing on his mind and a serious lack of sleep, he was content. He couldn’t believe in a few days he might not have this. Have them.

It isn’t until about halfway through the movie that he realizes Changkyun isn’t with them.

And that makes something ugly and uncomfortable rise in his throat.

He looks at the clock and it reads 4:29 AM. The sun'll be rising soon.

He disentangles himself from the mass of bodies on the floor, making sure to keep quiet as to not wake up the ones who have fallen asleep, and feels a hand grab his ankle.

It’s Kihyun, looking up at him with squinted eyes, “Are you okay, hyung?”

Hoseok smiles at his disheveled form and eases his foot away, “I’m fine, just heading to the bathroom.”

Kihyun’s eyes are already closed and his body limp before Hoseok can even finish his sentence. He spares one more long look at the sleeping boys, committing the image to memory in case he might not get a chance to see them like this again, before he starts searching.

He tip toes through the dorm, finding no Changkyun, and it isn’t until he’s walking back towards the living room that he notices the latch on the balcony is unlocked and sees a tuft of dark hair through the gap in the curtains.

His hand hesitates on the door, his tired body begging him to go back to his friends, to lie on the ground and sleep with them and revel in these last few moments of camaraderie before their fragile little world comes crashing down in less than two days. Their time is running out and he needs to take advantage of it. And yet. His mind wanders to a different time in his life.

 

* * *

 

When Hoseok was in 3rd grade, he’d had his first crush. Her name was Jisu and she had moved from Gangwon province over the summer and she was beautiful. She had pretty brown hair and big eyes and always wore an orange dress that Hoseok liked because orange was a happy color.

Hoseok was certain he was in love the moment he saw her.

His mom had cooed and smiled when he told her, had pinched his cheeks and told him to never lose his big heart and Hoseok had looked up at her with all the sincerity an eight year old could muster and promised he wouldn’t.

Hoseok had a boy in class named Hwan and he was shorter than Hoseok but four months older and he liked Jisu too but Hoseok didn’t get it because his favorite color was black and that was stupid because black is a sad color and orange is a happy color so he could never be right for her.

But Hwan was four months older and he liked her too and he didn’t have a big heart like Hoseok so he got angry at him for liking Jisu too.

And Hoseok dealt with that anger, he let Hwan push him at recess and cut him in the lunch line and interrupt him when he was sharing in class because Hoseok had a big, big heart and being unkind back was something he just didn’t know how to do.

It hurt, a little at least. That someone would willingly be so mean to him, would take time out of their day to make his worse. But Hoseok didn’t want anyone to get in trouble, so he never told anyone.

Especially because if Jisu liked Hwan, and Hwan got in trouble because of Hoseok, Jisu wouldn’t like him as much and more than anything Hoseok just wanted Jisu to like him. He would endure it, for her.

But, love is cruel and bitter even between eight year olds, and Jisu didn’t like him. In fact, Jisu hardly acknowledged Hoseok’s presence. She didn’t want to play tag at recess or sit next to him at storytime or even hear him explain that his favorite color was yellow and yellow and orange go together because they are happy colors.

When he cried in his mother’s arms almost three months after Jisu had moved to his school, it wasn’t about Hwan’s bullying, but at Jisu’s complete disregard for him. How he liked her so much and respected her so much and really thought they could be friends at least, best friends even, but she wouldn’t even pay him any mind. It wasn’t fair.

He had whimpered, quietly into her shirt and with all the conviction in the world, “My favorite color is yellow and hers is orange and we could be happy together, why doesn’t she see that?”

And Hoseok’s mother had shushed him gently and held him close and whispered that big hearts like his get broken the easiest but one day he’ll find someone who would see that happy colors should go together, who would understand him the way Jisu could not.

Remembering that story is the reason why Hoseok goes out on the balcony that night.

Because sometimes, being ignored hurts a hell of a lot more than someone being mean.

That’s a lesson Hoseok had learned when he was eight years old and had never forgotten.

He thinks if he ever told it to Changkyun it’s one he could relate to.

 

* * *

 

Their balcony really isn’t much of a balcony, more like a small concrete slab jutting off the edge of the building with a little barrier over it so no one ended up as sidewalk paint. If they squeezed, two people could fit on it.

Luckily enough, Changkyun was small.

He looked surprised when Hoseok stepped out, and immediately moved as though to give up the space.

“No, no, I’m not kicking you out,” Changkyun’s eyes get wide at that, “I came out here to join you.” He stops moving around, and Hoseok settles down next to him.

It's January, and absolutely _freezing_ out here. He offhandedly thinks it'd be nice if this kid could have a contemplation spot literally anywhere else other than here.

The silence between them is deep and unrelenting, and Hoseok struggles to find the right words to start a conversation.

He eventually decides on, “It’s crazy isn’t it, that it’s all over in a few days.” He says it quietly, carefully avoiding watching the cars below them. Instead he focuses on the night sky, it’s almost dawn now, the first pinks and oranges and yellows of the sunrise beginning to show. Yellow is his favorite color, and it reminds him of being eight years old and in love.

“Yeah. Yeah it is.” Changkyun keeps looking at his feet.

“You haven’t been here as long-” The kid flinches, as though expecting this to become a confrontation, and Hoseok starts again, more gently,

“I know you haven’t been here as long, but I know it must still be weird. Time feels so strange in our own little bubble, you know? I haven’t really come to terms with the fact it’ll be popping soon.”

Changkyun nods at that but says nothing.

Hoseok bites his lip and looks at the sky and wonders if this was a mistake, thinks about a little girl named Jisu who just didn’t want his attention.

But Changkyun surprises him, again.

“I like it out here I think, I think it’s my favorite place in the dorm, because you know, you see all these cars down there speeding by and you can see all these big buildings in Seoul and there’s just all these people out there, doing their own thing, living their own lives with their own mistakes and issues and victories and-”

Changkyun pauses for a second, taking a moment to breathe, “And- I don’t know, I guess it makes my own problems seem smaller.”

He seems to process Hoseok’s lack of response and take it as him saying the wrong thing, so he tries again, “Plus I mean, the view is pretty. The sky and stuff. So, there’s that too.” He turns to look at Hoseok for the first time since he had walked out here, his face open and earnest and so painfully hopeful that it makes his companion's heart ache just a little bit.

Hoseok deadpans, “I definitely get what you’re saying, like trust me I do, the sentiment is nice as hell don’t get me wrong but to be honest, I have a huge fear of heights, so I kind of can’t relate because I’m too busy trying not to soil my pants right now.” And Changkyun’s eyes somehow get impossibly wider.

But then, like a dam breaking, Hoseok laughs. Because out of all the things he could have said, Hoseok can't believe he choose those ones, but Jesus he is so high up and it's freezing outside and this kid better appreciate the effort he's putting in right now. And Changkyun looks at him, then turns away, then looks again, then starts laughing too.

Hoseok notices how much more prominent his dimples are when he laughs, and how high and sweet his voice gets, and thinks that he wants to make him laugh again.

Hoseok is still chuckling when he says, “You know, I think that’s the most I’ve heard you talk since you got here.”

“I was so worried I’d said the wrong thing and you were going to push me off this thing.” He admits it quietly, as though Hoseok wasn't supposed to hear.

“I still might, that speech was so cheesy, what are you, a philosopher now? We’re going to be idols kid you don't need any of that anymore” Changkyun makes a face and lightly shoves him.

Changkyun is just messing with him now when he says, “I could’ve sworn you said you were deathly afraid of heights, so will you get off my balcony please?”

Hoseok gives him a mock offended look.

“Learn to respect your hyung, brat.” He lectures as he shoves him back.

Changkyun doesn’t reply, but that smile is still on his face, so he doesn’t feel the need to press any further. Now they’re both looking at the sky, and the sentimental mood he was in earlier persists.

The sunrise means new beginnings. And here they are. Changkyun and Hoseok.

The silence has become companionable instead of invasive and in the dim light Hoseok turns his head and looks at the boy next to him, really looks at him, for the first time.

On this Thursday night that is turning into Friday morning, freezing his ass off with a sick feeling in his stomach from his fear of heights and his muscles still sore from practice; Hoseok realizes something:

Changkyun is beautiful.

With his doe eyes and his dark hair and the slope of his nose and the dimples in his cheeks, he is unabashedly, truly, beautiful.

Hoseok is not foreign to the idea of liking boys. That has been something he made his peace with just as he has tattoos on his skin. It’s a part of him, and he is fine with it. He has a big heart, and he has a lot of love to give. He knows he loved Jisu and just as easily could have loved Hwan.

Well, maybe not Hwan, because that kid was a _dick_. But love some other, more friendly boy in his class. That was a possibility.

He knows the majority in his country do not see it that way. Hoseok knows what he needs to do to provide for his family. He loves to sing and he loves to dance and he loves being a part of a team. And he knows, to be an idol means to make sacrifices.

Hiding that part of him away, at least for as long as he wants to be an idol, is a sacrifice he knew he would have to make.

But Changkyun is so, so beautiful.

And for just a moment, a singular moment, with the light of the sunrise in his hair and the cars below silent for just a second and the cold bearable, Hoseok forgets where he is and who he is and why he is here and the only thought in his head is:

_I could kiss him right now._

Because he could, move his head closer and kiss this beautiful boy in this moment between night and morning when it’s only them. He wonders what would happen, if Changkyun would push him off the balcony or get him kicked off the show or pull away in fear and disgust.

But Changkyun has made a habit out of surprising Hoseok.

So maybe, just maybe, he would kiss him back.

But then, like all things, the moment passes and his muscles are sore again and he can hear the final moments of Minhyuk’s shitty action movie playing and Hoseok is up really, really high and feels sick because he’s honestly fucking terrified of heights and it's _cold_. Him and Changkyun don’t know eachother, not yet at least.

So he stands and bids his farewell because he needs to at least try and get an hour or two of sleep before they have to get up again, and he tells the kid to do the same. But he seems to have his head in the clouds, still watching the sky quietly.

In less than two days Hoseok's life is going to change forever, and he wonders who will be the ones with him as it does.

Maybe that's why he starts talking again when he's almost through the door,

“The sunrise is beautiful, isn’t it?”

“It is, it reminds me of my favorite color.”

“Out of curiosity Changkyun-ssi, what is your favorite color?”

Changkyun looks up at him and smiles sleepily, his dimples showing again,

“It’s orange, hyung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dialogue is admittedly probably my weakest point as a writer, but the only way to get better is to practice and keep using it so ya girl tried her best
> 
> also i was totally finished with the draft and editing through this when i remembered wonho has a fear of heights and had to totally rewrite to accommodate that fact lmao that's what i get for being a stickler for accuracy
> 
> this chapter introduced a lot of lil things i'll have to go back in later chapters, the whole liking boys thing, his relationships w/ the members, etc etc but anyway, the next chapter is officially out of no.mercy era, it's reflected on of course, but from here on out it's onto the next portion of the boys lives


	3. three

Monsta X is born.

Under the heavy stagelights, Hoseok will never forget how that moment felt. The panic rising in his chest that he'll lose, the desperation that all he's worked for and everything he's sacrificed will have culminated into nothingness. It's an all consuming fear, the kind of feeling that stays with you.

But that's nothing compared to how it felt when his name was called.

Happiness isn't the first emotion he feels; it's more of a bone deep relief. Like for the first time since this whole thing started he can finally take a breath.

The next emotion still is not happiness yet, but grief:

He grieves for the friends he lost along the way in the process and the ones who stand behind him whose names were not called. He grieves for the moments they had and the moments they will no longer get to share; for the fact that the next time he steps on a stage, those behind him will not walk beside them. He grieves for his friends beside him who are grieving for the ones they lost too.

He grieves for Jooheon who has lost Gunhee in a way that he won't ever get back. That a reality that Jooheon had been dreaming of will never happen. He grieves because he knows why Jooheon cries- knows that the bond that they shared begun to splinter and crack the moment that his name had been called and his had not. That from here on out, the love and admiration they had for eachother would never be as sweet as it used to. From here on out, whether they like it or not, the participants of No.Mercy will be forever divided. The winners and the losers.

When they think of the winners, there will always be a bitterness, a sharp pain at what might have been. Hoseok knows this. He knows what he has to sacrifice to be an idol, and this was always, always going one of them. Not everyone wins. He knows that.

It doesn't make it hurt any less, though. 

Hoseok has a big heart, and sometimes he wishes he didn't. 

Happiness is the third emotion he feels, and it hits him like a freight train. Overwhelming and sure and true and so blinding he feels dizzy. The others around him do too, as they have the moment to share hugs and battle wounds, and it feels good. To revel in the end of something that has hurt them all in different ways, but there's still something unsaid, something bubbling under the surface.

Changkyun is with them.

And the others may not say anything now, maybe not ever, but Hoseok knows that that knowledge comes with a sting. Something acrid that is left over from the toxicity the producers had created. As they grieve for their fallen friends, Changkyun entrance is made all the more sour.

It seems that Changkyun knows that too, knows that they doubt him still. You can tell from the way he keeps his eyes downcast and his head bowed. Hoseok wonders what emotions he is going through, if instead of feeling happiness towards the future, he looks upon it with dread.

Hoseok is happy but he is also old enough and jaded enough to feel like the victory came at a price. Not only do they grieve the people they had to leave behind, but just as surely Changkyun is grieving the fact that he won above others. And Hoseok thinks there's something inherently wrong with that. Because the kid won, he should not have to feel guilty for doing so. He wishes he could express this to him, but his emotions are too loud, too wild, to articulate tonight. Maybe one day, then, he can tell Changkyun all the things he's been thinking since he met him.

Because Hoseok likes Changkyun. He likes when he smiles and he likes playing around with him and he thinks he's a sweet kid. When he first met him he had thought he couldn't swim but now Hoseok knows that that boy could get an Olympic medal any day because not only had he swam harder than any person Hoseok had ever seen, he had survived shark infested waters all by himself. 

With the lights bright and the tears flowing and his emotions so heightened, Hoseok looks at Changkyun and looks at his friends and he feels a deep faith and confidence that they will come around. They are good people, and they will need eachothers support. Changkyun is a part of that now. They all are.

This is Monsta X, and they'll do it together.

 

* * *

 

So Monsta X is born.

And they came out clawing, scratching, digging in to find purchase against concrete with their nails torn and bloody. They were born from anger and fear, from greed and sweat and frustration. But they are here and they are whole, more or less, and Hoseok is grateful for that.

It isn't perfect right away.

And he knew it wouldn't be, knew that conquering No. Mercy was just the start of conquering all the other challenges that they have coming for them as they prepare for their debut. 

It's been almost two months, and May is approaching so rapidly. They have routines to memorize and songs to practice and training to keep undergoing and bonding to do and some days it feels as though the world is spinning so fast around their feet they'll never regain their balance. 

But, they always do. And they're _debuting_ in less than a month, which is what they had all wanted to do so badly.

So even if they bicker and get into fights, they're making progress. And getting better. And Hoseok feels such a strong love and pride for them that he can hardly find the words.

Then, dance practice is coming to a close one night, and they're told who the leader is.

Hoseok isn't it.

And that's okay, really, because Hyunwoo is a good person. And Hoseok isn't. It makes sense. Hyunwoo is a good balance between being self sacrificial just enough to have it benefit the team and not go overboard. He is fair and he is calm, he is awkward in his affections but really does care for those around him. He will do a fine job. Hoseok loves him. He knows he will do a good job.

But something about it still hurts a little, just a tiny nick on his pride, because he had led as well, had been told multiple times by multiple people he had what it took. He thought he had proved it, that he could take on this responsibility and look after them. When crunchtime had happened and the pressure was on, Hoseok had been the one who had prevailed over Hyunwoo. He doesn't want to resent Hyunwoo, because Hyunwoo is a good person and he deserves it and evidently Hoseok did not. He just can't help the ugly, twisting in his gut after hearing the news. The anger that had risen up and threatened to spill over.

It wasn't right, and it wasn't fair, and it wasn't good. 

It's 4:16 A.M and everyone else has left for the night. Hoseok stays after and dances in the mirror and tries to channel his jealousy into something productive. He was so focused on what he was doing that he didn't hear the door open until a timid, "Hyung?" met his ears and he was looking at Changkyun's reflection in the mirror. 

"What are you doing here? I thought you went back to the dorm." He said offhandedly, grabbing his water and sitting against the wall.

"Kihyun hyung sent me back to come get you, we have a busy day tomorrow and you should rest." Changkyun slides down and sits beside him. Hoseok is reminded of another time, what feels like a million years ago, where he had been the one checking on Changkyun and not the other way around. Hoseok doesn't say anything for a long time.

Finally, Changkyun speaks again, 

"You know, you shouldn't be upset about Hyunwoo hyung being our leader."

"And why is that? Are my feelings not valid?" Hoseok hates the bitterness so evident in his voice, and he feels so very close to the ground, he feels like he's not an okay person, and that scares him.

"Because- I didn't mean it like that," Changkyun says it calmly, but Hoseok knows him well enough now to hear the slight nervous waver in his voice, "-it's okay to feel hurt, I know you wanted to be leader, but I meant you shouldn't be so upset over not being it that you beat yourself up over it. Don't place blame where there doesn't need to be any, it's just going to make it worse."

They're sitting so close that their sides are pressed together now, and Hoseok knows he is right. He tilts his head back along the cool glass of the mirror and breathes deeply. Here, Changkyun is comforting and easy and his scent from a new cologne the makeup noonas had him wearing lingers. It reminds Hoseok of a flower he'd long forgotten about.

 

* * *

 

When Hoseok was twelve, he spent two weeks in school learning about flowers.

The other boys in the class had moaned and groaned the entire unit, had whined about how flowers were _girly._  But Hoseok had smiled and done his work and listened attentively because his mom loved flowers and Hoseok loved his mom and she would have the biggest smile in the world when he'd come home and tell her all about the flower they had learned about that day.

If there was anything that Hoseok loved the most in the entire world it was seeing his mom smile.

One of the last flowers that they learned about was the honeysuckle, and it was Hoseok's favorite because they were pretty and delicate but could also survive in the harshest temperatures, even in the longest winters honeysuckles would live on. 

When Hoseok was twelve, he also had his first crush on a boy. 

His name was Hosung and he was a year older but Hoseok was two inches taller than him so they were actually even. Hoseok liked his smile and his laugh and he liked listening to him speak. He didn't really understand what it meant to like Hosung, because he had had crushes on girls before and girls were pretty and kind and reminded him of the flowers his teacher spoke about. But Hosung wasn't a girl, and Hoseok didn't understand why he was feeling this way because he wasn't a girl, and boys and boys didn't like eachother like that.

So he had told his mother and she had held him close and whispered into his hair that he had a big heart and his big heart meant he got confused sometimes because he had so much love to give. Then she had held his face in his hands and told him that she never wanted him to lose his big heart, but sometimes the heart lies to us. And if he ever feels like this again, he must ignore it.

Big hearts get broken the easiest, and his mother had broken his heart that night.

But when Hoseok was twelve, he ignored his mother for the first time.

Because he was himself, all emotion and passion and so much young, fresh love. And he wanted Hosung to see that because Hosung's favorite color was red- and red and yellow were close enough colors that he thinks they could be perfect. He had clung on to that belief he had had with Jisu four years later and never forgot it. He knew they could be perfect.

When Hoseok was twelve, he told Hosung how he felt. 

When Hoseok was twelve, he got in his first fight.

Hosung's fist hitting his face had smelt like honeysuckles and stung like a broken heart.

 

* * *

 

Hoseok understood what his mother had meant now.

He feels Changkyun's weight lean against him and thinks about that memory, of bloody noses and lies and crying about it alone- twelve years old and so confused because if he had a big heart and so much love then why did no one want it? He feels as though he should associate that memory of honeysuckles with Hosung, should feel that hurt again. But the thing is, now it's Changkyun who smells like this, and Hoseok remembers why he loved them. Resilience, surviving in the toughest winters. He thinks of concrete under him and a cold night. They had survived the freezing temperatures, both literally and figuratively.

Of course Changkyun smelt like honeysuckle, the universe was direct like that.

He's older now. The sting of that day when he was twelve doesn't hurt like it used to. Hoseok is not that child anymore and he knows who is he, knows that even if he wanted to change he could not. And he does not want to. He loves girls, he does. But he loves boys too, loves their unique forms and chests and heady scent and rough skin. And he thinks of that boy next to him, thinks of that night that feels so far now, of sunrises and freezing cold. Of that shallow want he had felt, the need to touch and be touched, the desire to find closeness in another person. That had been nothing, had been some desperate temptation exacerbated by a stressful situation and the sentimental mood he had been in. It hadn't been real. He didn't even know Changkyun.

But he does now.

Knows what he sounds like when he first wakes up, when he's tired and happy, when's he's down or frustrated. Knows that he can light up a room, that he is the strangest paradox between shy and wild that Hoseok has ever seen. He doesn't always say much, but when he does he can bring a room to their knees with his humor. He is an enigma all unto himself. Something that Hoseok is still trying to figure out. The boy he had thought so beautiful then was a thousand times more beautiful now that he knew him.

But all that this meant was if Hoseok had thought that that desire he felt for Changkyun then was intense, it was nothing compared to the agony of now. 

He's still leaning on him, his breath is even and deep. If Hoseok didn't know any better he would've thought that he was asleep. But his body is still too rigid, still a little too on guard to fool anyone.

Because that was the thing about him, he was still so guarded. Which, was their fault and Hoseok was painfully aware of this. Aware that those first few days and weeks had made him retreat so far into himself that they were still learning how to coax him out. All Hoseok wanted was for Changkyun to trust him fully, to trust him to fall asleep on his shoulder and not hold himself so tight. And they're getting there, just not yet. For all Hoseok does know about him, he wants to know more. He just needs Changkyun to _let_ him.

He gently nudges the boy and sighs, "Come on. let's go home, I'm done moping." He stands and stretches, realizing just how sore and tired he is from how hard he's pushed himself today. Changkyun holds out his hand so Hoseok can help him up, and Hoseok guides the sleepy boy to the waiting car outside.

They sit together in the backseat and Changkyun whispers into his neck, "Hyunwoo will be a good leader, but don't think you were not good enough. You will always, always be good enough hyung." And Hoseok swallows harshly and doesn't reply.

When they get home, Changkyun passes out as soon as he hits the bed. Hoseok grabs a glass of water and stops by Kihyun, always the early riser, who in the time since he's been gone has already slept for a few hours and is somehow already preparing for the day.

"Thanks, for sending Changkyun up to me earlier, I really needed someone to talk to."

Kihyun looks up at him blankly, "What? I just woke up. I didn't even know Changkyun had went back for you." 

Hoseok stares back at him and feels his heart race and tries not to think too much about what that means.

 

* * *

 

That night Hoseok dreams of heat.

He dreams of the balcony, but it is not longer freezing.

Instead, he is burning up under Changkyun, cold does not even exist anymore, did it ever? Under those soft lips and tentative hands and low voice, he doesn't think it could. He dreams of how that night could have gone, two boys seeking comfort in the wrong places and toppling off the edge of a building together. Smears of orange paints Changkyun's skin like warning signs, and he whimpers when Hoseok licks it off. He tastes like honeysuckles. A mess of color the two of them are, of yellow and orange and everything in between. Together, they are bringing new ones into existence. The sun is rising soon and he doesn't want this to end, just wants years and years more of that warm skin underneath his palms and those hands so sweet in his hair.

When Hoseok wakes up he can still feel fingertips on his skin.

He tries and fails not to think about what this means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the nice comments y'all it's much appreciated and gives me motivation :')))
> 
> wonho's psyche fux me up, i think he's someone who puts a lot of blame on himself for his faults and that's why i started veering this okay person motif into him using it as a way to put himself down
> 
> tbh i'm super excited for the next chapter bc it'll be post-debut and i really want to go into the person vs persona idea with hoseok vs wonho and how it affects him


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rating was m for mostly swearing but decided to change it to e bc things will be getting steamy very soon ;0

It's a strange thing, getting what you had always wanted.

Because on one hand, there's that euphoria of finally having it. That sweet, sweet validation for all that you've wished for. And that's- real fucking good. Nothing else like it in the world.

But the problem with getting what you have always wanted is: it opens your eyes. 

Hoseok had wanted to debut with all his heart, and in all that longing and hoping and praying he had come to associate debut with the answer to all his problems. Debuting meant immediate retribution. It didn't come from a place of naivete necessarily, because Hoseok was by no means naive to the real world. But rather from a place of desperation. He was desperate for the life he thought that idols lived. His mother was struggling financially and he had put her through such hell in his younger years and all he was good at was this, was music. He _had_  to debut. Not only would it help the women who had sacrificed so much for him, but it was also his dream. And dreams are something to cling to, a safe space to go when things get hard, a vision of a better tomorrow.

So of course debuting had seemed like the cure-all for all that was wrong in his world. 

But the problem with getting what you have always wanted is: the reality is often not the dream.

Because debuting does not and did not solve his problems.

In fact, debuting causes a litany of whole _new_ problems.

Because debut comes and goes and then there they are, officially, as Monsta X. The new rookie group on the block. Young and clueless to the realities of what it actually is being an idol. And one of those realities is this: all of Hoseok's problems still persist after he debuts.

He's still pretty broke, albeit with a tiny amount more he can send to his mother; he's still absolutely exhausted, with performances and press eating up any time they might have had for rest; and he's still a little lost. A little unsure about where he is and where's he's going. If he'll ever be who he wants to be.

But that's not to say it doesn't still feel incredible. Because it does.

Having a label, a place in this world, as Wonho of Monsta X, is wonderful. Because he finally has _purpose._ Sure, some people liked him while he was in No.Mercy, but the dedicated long term support a fan gives to a group is entirely unique, and Hoseok is so grateful he gets to partake in it.

Hoseok has a big heart, and he has a lot of love to give; so extending that to all these people is something he is more than happy to do. 

And besides, those old issues aren't so hard to deal with. He's fought against them for years, and it is nothing that he can't handle.

The new ones, on the other hand, are a little more difficult. Because he is Hoseok. But now he is also Wonho, almost full time. And he has discovered those people are not the same person.

And in the back of his mind, he knew this. Knew that his stage persona would not be who he is. Not fully. It isn't like that for any other. Yet some childish hope had kept him blind and thinking Hoseok could be genuine enough for people. But Wonho isn't Hoseok. And Hoseok isn't Wonho.

Wonho is confident, sexy, loves to show off his body and his talents and can smile for the camera whenever he needs to. Wonho is, at the most basic definition, the person Hoseok wishes he was. He is idealization in the worst and most destructive way. He is every shitty part of Hoseok compartmentalized and hidden away to create a perfect image idol. Hoseok looks at Wonho and tries to be inspired to be better but instead feels self hatred at his flaws that hold him back.

Wonho is a good person, Hoseok is not. 

He is still learning how to deal with that. 

 

* * *

 

When Hoseok was eight, his favorite thing to do was play pretend.

When he was that age, he was largely left to his own devices. After he came home from school his mom would leave to work a five hour night shift (at a seedy bar for foreigners, the true nature of what that job meant was something Hoseok didn't realize for another eight years, when he was still in his ulzzang days), but all he had known at the time was his mother was gone, his little brother was at daycare, and he was by himself.

So naturally, he did what any eight year old boy with a lisp and no money and no one to talk to did: he played pretend.

The fierce pirate captain never had to worry about being left behind, the royal prince never feared going hungry at night, the famous singer never felt out of place or lonely.

That last one, he would later find out, is very untrue. Very, _very_  untrue. But, he was eight and didn't know any different.

His favorite part about dressing up was the idea of escape. 

He could leave whatever loneliness or stress or sadness that was on his heart as Hoseok, and instead become someone else. Someone braver or smarter or stronger than himself. It was simple, it was fun, and Hoseok relished in it. 

His mom would come home with his brother tucked in her arms, tiredly slip off her shoes. And after putting him to bed, she would find her other son in whatever getup he had concocted that night. An old bandanna meant he was a pirate, a toy microphone and ripped fedora meant a singer, a plastic crown for a prince. She would hold him close and take off his disguises, apologize quietly for being gone so long and he'd pretend to be asleep so she'd carry him to his room even though he was getting too old for it.

It just meant Hoseok got to spend another few, precious moments in her embrace. 

Hoseok is no longer eight, he wonders what his younger self would think if he knew that he still wears a costume and plays pretend. Only now it is every time he steps outside with Monsta X. 

The issue now was this was one persona his mother could not take off for him at the end of the night.

 

* * *

 

Being an idol, as it turns out, is even more difficult than being a trainee. Luckily that is something that Hoseok definitely saw coming.

It's gratifying and exhausting and overwhelming and terrible and wonderful all in equal measure. Promotions for Rush are coming to an end, and Hoseok is lying in bed trying to remember how to make his muscles work. The seasons are starting to change outside so the air has become crisp and cold again. Hyungwon is in the bed adjacent to him- trying to sleep. He can hear Kihyun in the kitchen making dinner, and even though he can't hear Changkyun, he knows that the younger boy is probably in there too helping his hyung cook. In the living room, Jooheon and Minhyuk are hooting and yelling as they play a game together on Minhyuk's ipad, and Hoseok can assume that Hyunwoo is probably sitting on the couch next to them; smiling fondly at the chaos the two bring into the world.

Despite his inability to get his limbs to move, Hoseok smiles. This part of the reality of idol life is one that he loves dearly- getting to be with his members, and experiencing the bond that they share and the familiarity that they've achieved; is beyond wonderful. Looking back on where they were to where they are now, seeing how they've already grown so much.

Progress is a beautiful thing and every part of him, Wonho and all, loves it.

But right there in that sentence- that's the part of idol life Hoseok is still really struggling with.

Because he can deal with the pain of sore muscles, of late nights, of blisters on feet, but learning to be Wonho and still be Hoseok is a challenge. He thinks that they should be separate, on some level, because his work and his life should be. But the thing about being an idol is work kind of becomes your life, and then what are you left with?

His problem is, they are separate but it feels as though they are fighting against eachother. Hoseok knows it is not the healthiest way to live. But he justifies it in his head because _no_ part of this life is particularly healthy. 

He's started researching natural remedies, for the strain on his body, and works out to get his body strong. But he doesn't know how he is supposed to help his mind do the same.

His contemplation is cut short when Hyungwon rouses himself out of bed, wrapped in his comforter and hair sticking up on every end. He shuffles off to the living room, probably moving his sleep operation to the couch with the others. As he leaves, he bumps fists with someone entering, and Changkyun smiles at him then makes a beeline for Hoseok's bed.

"Hyung? Dinner is soon are you awake?" Hoseok looks up at him blearily.

"Yeah I'm awake Changkyunnie, I wasn't asleep I was just resting." Changkyun nods and puts his hand on the side of Hoseok's bed, silently asking entry. Hoseok grants it with a nod and Changkyun slips into bed with him.

Hoseok looks at the younger boy, and can't help but admire him.

New songs and promotions meant a makeover, and the noonas had dyed Changkyun's hair a lighter color, a sweet honey brown. Hoseok loved it on him, it made him seem softer, younger. Untainted by the ugly parts of living.

He knew this was untrue of course, if anyone had seen ugly parts of living, Changkyun was one of them. 

"Are you sore? You were working really hard at practice today." His heart clenches at the younger's genuine concern, and he tries to ignore the excitement he feels at the idea of Changkyun having been watching him. 

His hair looks so soft, and Hoseok longs to run his fingers through it. But instead of doing it, he swallows the desire back down and replies, "Try very sore, I think I'm coming down with something" The end of the sentence turns into a groan as he shifts onto his back and feels his hips scream in protest.

"I don't think that's the dancing, I think you have the immune system of a baboon." He's not looking at Changkyun when the boy says that but knows Changkyun said it with a straight face, and Hoseok laughs just imagining what he looked like.

"Well _I_ think you should respect your hyung and let him suffer in peace."

"Am  _I_ wrong?"

Hoseok sighs in defeat with a smile on his face, "No."

Changkyun throws up his hands as well as he can while lying in bed, as though to say, case closed. 

The room is silent for a moment, but Hoseok can't help himself, "So if I have the immune system of a baboon, does that mean my baboon attributes extend to other areas?"

Changkyun turns to look at him in confusion, his forehead crinkling cutely "What do you mean?"

"Changkyunnie, I'm trying to say that I have a great ass."

Changkyun lets out a loud, surprised laugh at that, and Hoseok pretends that doesn't make him ridiculously happy. Changkyun is the king of keeping a blank face, so breaking that facade and revealing those dimples is always a massive win to him. 

They stay quiet after that, just lying in bed together, Hoseok on his back and Changkyun on his side. It's not an uncommon thing, to seek comfort in the form of another person, just enjoying the company that they bring. Being an idol is hard and you can't face it alone. He's at one point or another slept with every member of his group. He has a lot of love to give, and the physical side can be just as important as the emotional.

The problem is- none of the other members he'd wanted so badly to kiss.

But this one he does.

As the months passed, Hoseok had hoped that this longing would go away on it's own. The desire though, was persistent and steadfast and still very much there. In fact, he felt it grow stronger every time the younger cutely messed up a dance practice, or got into silly antics with Jooheon, or became his serious rapper self on stage, or even crawled into bed with him before dinner.

It had become a fact of life for Hoseok. The earth is round, the sky is blue, he wanted to kiss Lim Changkyun. 

And it's strange, because he thinks Hoseok and Wonho are fighting eachother and that's the issue with being an idol. But when it comes to Changkyun, _every_ part of him agrees. He loves him, and he wants to kiss him.

In his darker moments he wonders if he was more like Wonho, more like the person that he presents to others and not who he is, Changkyun would want to kiss him too.

He turns back on to his side, because he doesn't want to think ugly thoughts like that right now. He doesn't want to think crazy thoughts either, thoughts of kissing one of his best friends. But he isn't thinking straight, literally and figuratively, because he's exhausted and sore and the object of his affections is _right_ there, looking at him with those big eyes that never fail to make him catch his breath. His face so earnest and trusting that Hoseok forgets how to breathe.

Eight months after that first night on the balcony, where he had been unknowingly pulled into Changkyun's orbit and hadn't even entertained the idea of leaving since. When he had gotten the first inkling of _something_ amid the cold and the pain. He had been circling and circling his orbit and getting closer and closer until they would finally collide. 

When planets collide, universes are born. When Hoseok and Changkyun do, who knows what will happen?

In this moment, he wants to find out.

The dim light glides through Changkyun's hair and all he can think is that he looks like an angel. Living proof of seraphim right here in his bedroom. Kihyun is still in the kitchen. The others are all still talking loudly outside. The dorm is still breathing life, the world is still turning, but here in this moment they are both so still. 

Hoseok wants to kiss Changkyun. Wonho does too. 

So, they do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comments and kudos are dearly appreciated i read everything and am slowly trying to reply to them all, so please continue telling me your thoughts!! it's honestly such a huge motivator forreal
> 
> p.s. sorry this took so long!! I went to disneyworld with my best friend for vacation this past week and def planned to write but then the first day I got there I opened my laptop only to find it broken lmao
> 
> edit 5/1- editing to try and correct AO3 glitch 
> 
> update: it's fixed s'all good


	5. five

As Hoseok leans in to him the world passes in slow motion; and if he wasn't about to kiss him Hoseok would laugh at the wide eyed expression on Changkyun's face as he came closer. He hesitates- for just a second- but Changkyun doesn't let him, because he keeps leaning in and closes the gap.

And their lips touch, Hoseok is certain his heart stopped. In retrospect, it isn't much at first. Just a gentle press of lips against lips. Changkyun is completely still and non responsive, someone watching from the doorway would probably only assume their talking. He takes comfort in that, they could still feign innocence in necessary. 

But Changkyun isn't doing _anything_  and for those brief, terrible moments, Hoseok doubts himself. _What the absolute fuck is he doing._ Panic rises in his throat at what this could mean, how Changkyun could treat him after, at the thought that this beautiful boy he admires so much would not want to associate with him anymore. How could he explain this? How could he swerve this behavior? How can him kissing Changkyun be anything but what it is? He's mentally steeling himself to pull away and make a run for it so he can properly formulate a solid explanation for how the fuck to justify this, when something happens. Something new.

Changkyun turns his head a little, trying to better slot their lips together, and Hoseok is absolutely sure he just lost his mind because there is no way this is happening.

Changkyun makes a small sound in the back of his throat that suspiciously sounds almost like a whine, and tries to scootch closer to him without disconnecting their lips. Hoseok gently cups the back of his head to help him come closer and suddenly the entire atmosphere has shifted.

They're beginning to move in earnest now, but the kiss is still closemouthed. Changkyun smells like vanilla and sweat and honeysuckle and tastes like mint- kissing him feels like a sigh of relief. Like finally solving a riddle. Like getting the answer to a question he'd always known the answer to.

Hoseok is going crazy. He wants this, he wants everything, he wants his hands and his heart and his skin and his mouth and his _dick_ and-

he is just debating introducing tongue when there comes a shout from the kitchen.

"Kids, dinner is ready let's go- Hyungwon buddy you have to wake up c'mon." and the tension break in an instant. The dorm is still breathing life, and the world is still turning, and Changkyun and Hoseok have now reentered it.

With a start they split apart and if Hoseok's pants weren't tight (at one of the most innocent kisses he's ever had no less) before, they sure as hell were seeing Changkyun's face. His eyes were wide and glassy, and his lips pink and just a little swollen. How did he look so wrecked after one kiss? 

All it did was make him imagine what he'd look like after _more_ then one kiss but that brings up imagery that really should not be in his brain when he's about to go eat with his friends and coworkers.

Changkyun was panting heavily, as though he forgot that you can breathe through your nose when you kiss someone. A small, questioning part of him whispered, "Or maybe he just didn't know." And that- the very real possibility that this kid had never kissed _anyone (_ because Changkyun was a pretty private person as is, and he'd never mentioned a girlfriend to be heard of) was in equal parts terrifying and incredibly endearing.

He tries to think of something to say, some way to explain himself, but he honestly never thought this would actually happen and had absolutely nothing prepared for if it did. Before he can come up with any words though, the younger sits up quietly and bolts, leaving before Hoseok can even open his mouth. 

He stays still, trying to process what just happened. What this means. He thinks Kihyun calls for him again, but he pointedly ignores it and eventually thinks Kihyun just gives up, because he doesn't call him again. Hoseok lays in bed and closes his eyes and tries to formulate some semblance of an idea of how to approach this. 

 

* * *

 

When Hoseok was fifteen, he had his first boyfriend. 

He was living with his grandparents over the summer and he was from America and he was two years older with hair dyed an unnatural color and scars on his knuckles from old fights but his smile was wide and bright and welcoming. His Korean name was Jinwoo but he insisted he be called Ashton, and he was beautiful.

Hoseok was certain he was in love the moment he saw him. 

And that- that was much scarier than it was with Jisu and Hosung, because he is no longer a child and feelings have consequences and those consequences are never good. People come and go and they almost always leave pain. Hoseok has a big heart but he has learned that people do not want big hearts and there has been no evidence thus far to prove him otherwise. 

But Hoseok is young and lonely and people on the internet tell him he's pretty and he just wants someone in this world to make him _feel_ he is.

Ashton is Korean in ethnicity but so unlike anyone Hoseok has ever known in his country. He is exciting and wild and from _America_ where so much is possible and they are so many different people to see, where people don't get caught up in formality and manner. There, maybe boys liking boys is more common, maybe Ashton understands it too.

 _Maybe, maybe, maybe._ His heart whispers to him.

His head tells him not weigh his hopes on maybe, but Hoseok has never been the kind to listen to his head.

Luckily enough, Ashton's grandparents live in the same apartment complex as he does so he tries to get his mail at the same time as Ashton and go for walks when he notices Ashton is taking out his dog and "coincidentally" runs into him when he's coming home from buying milk. And Ashton smiles that toothy smile at him and asks him how he is and Hoseok can hardly fathom how someone so cool could ever _want_ to talk to him.

Eventually, after a whole week of these little incidental meetings, Ashton asks him if he wants to walk his dog with him, and cracks a joke about how he must either have a family of ten or _really_ like milk with how much of the stuff he's buying. If it was possible to swoon in real life, Hoseok thinks he must have done it.

So, they walk together and talk. Talk about everything and anything and nothing all at the same time. Ashton tells him about America and his parents and how he got caught spray painting graffiti on the side of his school so they had sent him to Korea for the summer to teach him a lesson. He had grinned wryly and looked at his shoes and said that he got a free vacation out of it so their punishments couldn't be that good. He liked painting and drawing and dyed his hair to match his moods. Ashton wanted to be an artist, and when Hoseok tells him that he wants to be a singer he doesn't make him feel silly or lame for it.

One night in July, they are behind the apartment buildings in a dense area of trees just talking, and Ashton's dog is lying down at their feet. They like this area, because no overbearing grandparents can watch and Ashton can freely complain about them and sometimes he'd smoke cigarettes he got from one of his older friends while Hoseok watched.

One moment, Hoseok is laughing at something Ashton said and the next, feels his back hit rough bark as he is pushed into a tree and kissed for the first time. Ashton is two years older and much more experienced then Hoseok but he doesn't rush him, and for the first time he loses himself in someones lips. They kiss against the tree for a long, long time until Ashton's dog is nosing at their feet begging to go inside.

That night, Hoseok looks at the irritation on his back from being pressed against the wood and can't stop smiling. 

So, Hoseok obtains a boyfriend. They can't tell anyone, obviously. Hoseok can't even imagine what his mother would say, how she would feel, remembers how she had held him so tightly when he had told her about Hosung. She had told him to ignore his feelings, she had made him feel like they were wrong, like _he_ was wrong. Hoseok is fifteen and he resents his mother for it. Is too young to understand her reasons, just knows that she would never accept him. He takes it out on her in staying out late and smoking Ashton's friend's cigarettes and ignoring her calls.

Before Hoseok met Ashton, he didn't even know what liking boys was called. Didn't even know that him liking both had a name too. But he suddenly had a label to himself; and like one piece of a larger puzzle, he slid into it comfortably and perfectly. Ashton tells him of cities in America, big cities, where they would be able to live as they are, where no one cares who sees who. Hoseok has been going to school for ten years but has never felt more properly educated then he does now.

Although, that isn't the only thing Ashton educates him on.

He learns of hands and mouths, of moans and hitched breaths. Their tree in the woods becomes a beacon for late night rendezvous's when their families are asleep. It becomes a symbol of the gentle heat of summer nights, the buzz of cicadas, fists between teeth to try and keep quiet. Hoseok learns how to give himself to another person, how to trust someone enough to see all the parts of you. And if he slips in in the mornings to his shared bedroom with leaves in his hair and bruises under his Tshirt and his younger brother looks at him with wide, questioning eyes; Hoseok shushes him with a finger to his lips and turns over in bed.   

But the sexual aspect wasn't all there was, they still walked together and still talked and Ashton whispers to him that this world is so much wider than Hoseok can even imagine. It's so much more than Anyang, South Korea in this shitty apartment complex. It's so much more wonderful then he can even fathom. He talks a lot about them leaving, going away together, as the summer is coming to an end and their time together is quickly coming to an end with it.

Hoseok is sure he loves Ashton, with all his heart he is sure, but he is a coward because he doesn't want to leave.

Because Hoseok can try and be something else but he is still the soft hearted little boy who liked to play dress up. He doesn't want to leave; because he likes Anyang, likes his small room that he shares with his brother and rubbing his mothers feet after she's been working for ten hours even if he is mad at her for not understanding him, and he doesn't _want_ to be Hoseok in some big American city. He wants to be Hoseok in South Korea, bisexual Hoseok, nice Hoseok, bighearted singer Hoseok. In South Korea. Ashton tells him he's naive, that he can't expect this place to change for him. That he can't expect them to accept all of him. That here, he will always have to hide. A man here would not want him out of fear of themselves, and a women would not want him knowing that he liked both. Hoseok knows he is just angry and hurting at the rejection, but that doesn't mean the words don't cut him.

As summer comes to a close, Hoseok learns a very important lesson. Ashton and him are in love, but that does not mean that they are the same.

Because Ashton is fire and rebellion, he is lofty ideals and big declarations. He came into Hoseok's life like a hurricane, loud and powerful and all consuming and he let himself be swept up in it, he welcomed the storm with his arms wide open. And it was good, so good, and Hoseok would not take back a single second of it. In the two months that they had together, he had learned more about himself then ever before, and that perspective helped him more than he knew how to put into words.

His heart breaks when Ashton leaves, he cries for months afterwards and surrounds himself in cigarettes and being the pretty boy online again and maybe booze if he's feeling really down. He finds himself girls to be with and it's nice but it's not the same. They try and keep in contact, but South Korea and America are too very far away places and communication is difficult and cumbersome. The calls become less and less frequent, and before too long- stop altogether.

And like all first loves, it hurts like a bitch. Like hell. Like he doesn't think he'll ever find anyone ever again. Because Ashton and Hoseok were two very different people, but they still loved eachother. And hindsight doesn't become clear until the pain fades away.

So he walks alone and sometimes sees Ashton's grandparents walking the dog and feels a deep pain in his heart that eventually becomes a pull that eventually becomes a twinge that eventually becomes nothing at all. The leaves change and the snow falls and what was once love becomes a deep and fond nostalgia. Like all things, the storm leaves and the world keeps on turning. Time heals most wounds, that's another lesson Hoseok learned.

(Secretly, looking back on it, Ashton's favorite color was green. Eight year old Hoseok would have said they were doomed from the start- but that's beside the point)

 

* * *

 

If Ashton was a hurricane, Changkyun was a sandstorm.

He comes into his life like a cloud on the horizon, a distant threat. So close but still so far as he faces the groups animosity and divide. They watch from a distance as he tries to approach, no one quite sure what will happen when he reaches them. And he does reach them, and like sand he fits himself into all the nooks and crannies. Sneakily pervasive, he inserts himself so thoroughly and easily into their lives that suddenly it's hard to imagine it without him. But like the sand, he is flighty- hard to grasp. One moment you have him and the next he is sliding through your fingers out of reach again.

This means when you're trying to find a moment alone with him, he is good at making it incredibly difficult when he wants to.

Changkyun wasn't lying when he said that he liked sitting out on balconies, because since No Mercy he had made a habit of it. The members knew by now that he liked sitting outside to think and decompress, so they largely left him alone when he was there.

But he'd been so good at avoiding Hoseok, and this might be Hoseok's only chance to finally get him to talk about what happened.

And Hoseok has always been sentimental, always believed in the Universe having a sense of a humor; so he supposes it's only fitting that this happens where it all began, on a fucking balcony outside the dorm.

It's late October now, almost 3 weeks since those few minutes in his bed, and he's been trying to be alone with Changkyun every day since. But Changkyun has been making himself scarce like the sand, and has carefully and smoothly swerved all of his attempts. Out here though was perfect, private and isolated. The chances of someone coming out to bother them slim. 

He carefully walks outside, taking note to not look down at the ground below and instead settles himself beside Changkyun who tenses up, but doesn't move. He seems to steel himself, as though he has resigned himself to this conversation. It's dusk, so the sun has almost set completely in the sky and the cars are quiet below them. The silence is heavy and unsettling, and it's been almost ten months since Hoseok felt so unsure in the younger's presence. 

It's Changkyun, who ends up breaking the silence first, "What are you doing out here hyung? You hate heights."

Hoseok leans his head back on the wall, "You're entirely right, but you're a slippery guy Changkyunnie, this was the only way I could get you alone to talk."

The seasons are changing again, and the cold is coming back full force, he wraps his arms around his middle to try and keep out the chill. Changkyun must feel it too because Hoseok can see him shivering. He wants to put an arm around him, but doesn't let himself.

"What do we need to talk about?"

"You know what Kyun." He says it softly, keeping his voice low and steady so he wouldn't scare the boy away. 

"Listen....hyung. I don't- I'm not- I don't understand. What happened. I just, talking about it means it happened and I don't get it so why talk about it?" He's looking down at his feet and wringing his hands together over and over again as though eventually they might reveal the answers he's so desperately trying to find.

"Because, I want to help you understand" Changkyun won't turn and look at him and it hits Hoseok then, how young Changkyun seems in this moment. How young he _is._ He is reminded of that skinny, terrified boy in that too-big jacket he had met less than a year ago. He feels his heart clench agonizingly. 

"I just- I think I'm confused," Changkyun says it slowly, as though he's still sorting it out in his brain, "I've never- I've never done that before- kissed anyone I mean- and I think I was lonely and really tired and you were there so then we kissed and- but I'm," He pauses to breathe, "I'm not gay hyung, and- and I don't like boys and you're my hyung and my bandmate and it should've have happened and I'm sorry."

Hoseok closes his eyes to try and process everything that he just heard, because big hearts break the easiest and he can't say for certain but he's pretty sure Changkyun's words just broke his.

Because from that statement Changkyun is most likely one of two things:

1\. He does like boys. But he is not Hoseok and did not have a hurricane come into his life at fifteen and validate his feelings and teach him to not fear who he was. Instead, he is afraid and unsure and certainly does not know how to handle any of this. Even his international experience had probably done little to stop the homophobia so inherent in their society from finding it's way to him. To Changkyun, who had dealt with so much uncertainty in finding his place in their group, the fact that they kissed could be a huge threat to everything he had built with them.  

Not to mention he had just admitted that Hoseok was his first kiss, which was in itself overwhelming. That boy had no verification, no basis, no experience to speak of. Which on some level made sense, he was so shy, and had such a distinct personality; when he was young it must've been even more glaring. Combine that with the fact that he moved around so much as a child, and got into the idol trainee business so young. It made sense that he never got a chance to experiment or figure himself out in any way.

Truthfully, if that is the case, Hoseok would be fine not even dating Changkyun. He would graciously accept never kissing the boy again because he just wants so desperately to help him, to educate him on the fact that he should not be scared of who he is. And he can be whatever he needs- whether it be a boyfriend or a friend or a mentor or a brother. Finding someone like him is already so rare in the life they live, he just wants another person to confide in.

2\. Or, he really is straight. The kiss was just a fluke and Changkyun is uncomfortable with the situation and just wants to move on and fuck girls. 

And both those scenarios hurt him deep in his chest. Number one hurts because this boy is hurting and feels alone, when there is nothing wrong with him; and two hurts because it means whatever hope Hoseok had had of not necessarily finding a lover, but at least finding someone he could relate to about these things, would be gone.

More than anything he has to navigate this very carefully. Changkyun has a thick shell, and saying the wrong thing and making him retreat back into it would be a disaster. Like sand, he can't let him slip through his fingers. He doesn't know which of the two options Changkyun is, or if it's actually neither of them, and directly asking him right now would do no one any good. He has to back away, it's the only choice.

So, he swallows the emotions bubbling in his throat and speaks again, "Changkyun. You have no reason to apologize. Kisses are a two way street, and I was as much responsible for it as you. If you don't want me to press this anymore, and we just go back to being as we have been before all this, then that is okay. I hear you, I understand what you're saying, and I hold nothing against you."

He considers then, after that, coming out to him. Telling him about Hosung and how that punch in the face felt like flowers or Ashton and how the tree digging into his back felt like freedom; telling him about bisexuality, explaining who he really was. But he has learned after almost a year in the boys company, that subtly is the way to go with him.

He has to approach this gently, he cares far too much about Changkyun to risk messing it up.

"So..we're okay then?" Changkyun is finally making eye contact, and the relief in his face is so plain and evident. It hits Hoseok painfully in the gut how much he's missed seeing those eyes the past few weeks.

"Of course we are, now go inside- it's too cold out here and Jooheon was looking for you with some lyrics he wrote." Changkyun nods enthusiastically at the suggestion, and scrambles through the door back towards the bedrooms. 

Hoseok, on the otherhand, remains outside. The sun is nearly completely set, and the inky blackness of night has blanketed Seoul. He thinks of the last time, watching the sunrise instead of this darkness. It had meant new beginnings then, a brand new start to the story of his life with a warm body beside him. Now what does this mean? A chapter closed, a future uncertain, alone again. 

He looks out at the blackened city, just praying that the ending will be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u tell what a hoe i am for motifs and chapter by chapter parallels lmao
> 
> i think i've given hoseok a bit of a more cynical, jaded edge in past chapters, and i think that is a fair portrayal. but i  
> also think he is one of the most sensitive and, in some ways, insecure people- so i wanted to play with that side a little more in the flashback. his vulnerability and the way he wears his heart on his sleeve are some of my favorite things about him so!!! there's that
> 
> i thought a lot about how i wanted to characterize hoseok's first relationship, because i think your first relationship is a very pivotal one. i debated making it a shitty one, but i don't think that works with who is in this and also in life, but instead a bittersweet summer romance seemed much more On Brand™️
> 
> as always, please leave comments! it's my fav thing in the world to read them and know what you guys are thinking i love y'all
> 
> p.s bc i like making myself suffer i'm debating writing this whole thing over once i finish it but from changkyun's perspective as a companion piece????? bc he'd be super interesting to write and i feel bad i haven't gotten to expand on him as much as i want lmao lemme know if you guys are interested


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was struggling w/ this chapter then i drove ten hours to pick up my brother from college and all that time to think out plot in the middle of huge ass mountains really does the trick

So, it's awkward for a few weeks.

And Hoseok knows, a situation is only awkward if you make it awkward. But he really struggled on how _not_ to make awkward.

Because Hoseok knows what Changkyun's lips feel like under his, and it's driving him absolutely fucking crazy.

In his dreams, all he can hear all the sounds he had made when they kissed. All he could think about was his face under his palms and his body pressed against him. It wasn't like they didn't see eachother around either, this is a person that he spends a good 96.6% of his time with.

And he can't even tell really if it's just him who is like this, if the others even notice how stiff Hoseok gets around Changkyun sometimes, if Changkyun himself notices. He wants to act normally around Changkyun, like he promised him he would. But he's never been good at separating sex and feelings and that kiss was no exception. 

But Monsta X is growing, slowly but steadily. It's March now, and between their first reality show and beginning to write for another comeback and promoting and practicing and injuries and recoveries- there isn't much time for things to be awkward anymore.

The kiss slowly fades out of his memory, only crossing his mind every now and then. During the rare times when he can get himself off, sometimes it pops into his mind more than he likes to admit. But he has to immediately stop because the shame and guilt he feels over jerking off over his bandmate takes precedent over even the most pressing of boners.

Usually, by the end of practice everyone is too exhausted to have even an ounce of excitement in them, but today the members are buzzing with an upbeat attitude. Most of the other participants of No Mercy had stayed Starship trainees after the show, so the group got to continue to see them. Albeit not as often as they used to, their schedules steadily growing further and further apart, but still enough that they were aware of eachothers presence.

Although Minkyun, a good friend of all of theirs during their time on No Mercy, had left Starship almost immediately after he was eliminated to train under a different company. No one had gotten to talk to him for a good long while, but he was coming to visit them today and everyone was really looking forward to catching up.

Of course, he had been eliminated before Changkyun had come, and had left too quickly to get to know him after the fact like, for instance, Gunhee had. So evidently Changkyun was probably, from what Hoseok would assume, largely unaffected by Minkyun's visit in terms of him physically being there. But his presence bringing up the mood would help the youngest in it's own way; between Changkyun's ankle injury and Minhyuk's knee injury that had plagued them both these past few months, the group was in desperate need of some smiles and excitement. 

So Minkyun comes and it's good. It's fun to see him and hear his laugh and everyone is quick to slip back into a familiar and easy comradery. Changkyun doesn't speak much during the visit, but he's not the type to demand all the attention in the room all the time. He is the type to be able to smile and follow the conversation without feeling the need to partake- so Hoseok isn't overly worried. For a few hours, all Hoseok can feel is light and airy; his friends' laugh in his ears and the promise of good chatter keeping him engaged. But eventually, the clock hits much-too-late and Minkyun has to go again. He leaves them with hugs and a promise to talk again soon, and retreats back the way he came.

There's a unspokenness to it too: that in all that had not changed, they all did their best to ignore the glaring elephant in the room- a lot _had_ changed. But, escapism is good for a few hours and reality wouldn't catch up until their good moods had faded in a little while.

It isn't until then, a few minutes after the door closes and they all begin energetically relaying what the past few hours had been like for them, that he realizes that Changkyun is not in the room. Changkyun the sandstorm- good at making himself scarce when he wants to- had retreated at some point and no one had noticed or said _anything._

The rest of the boys seem to realize what is missing from the room at the exact same time he did, and they all immediately look at eachother with questioning eyes. Hoseok volunteers to go find him, under the half truth that he will do it so they can head back to the dorm and get rest. He makes silent eye contact with Kihyun and Jooheon that definitely means, _And also make sure that he is alright._

 _Because_ Changkyun has never outwardly talked much about what No. Mercy meant for him, telling the hyungs from the get go he'd rather just start fresh and move on, but even unsaid the group can assume that it is still a touchy subject whether or not he wants to discuss it.

He's wandering through some of the old dance studios in the very back of the building when he hears it.

Someone is crying.

No.

 _Changkyun_ is crying.

And Hoseok is scared absolutely shitless.

Because in the days he has known Changkyun, over a year at this point, he has only seen him cry 1.4 times. The 1 being when he had badly hurt his ankle at practice last December and had went down hard to the floor. A harsh and frighteningly guttural cry of pain had left his mouth and tears had run rapidly down his cheeks as Jooheon and their manager had helped him hobble out of the building and Hyunwoo followed closely behind to help. The other .4 was from that time in November that out of boredom and curiosity he had watched No.Mercy in it's entirety for the first time, and had seen the moment Changkyun had cried in the studio with Jooheon. He only counted it as .4 because he hadn't actually been there, and even watching it the way everyone else had felt wrong. Too intimate- like he was watching something he wasn't supposed to see.

Because Changkyun was not like Hoseok. Hoseok, emotional and sensitive and sometimes cried more than he liked to admit. He'd always been like this, and truthfully with age and exacerbated by the stress and expectations of idol life he broke down relatively often. He had a big heart, and sometimes he feels as though he feels things so much _more_ than other people.

All of that is why if any of the members had walked in on him, no one would be surprised. Concerned? Of course. Willing and wanting to comfort? Without a doubt. But no one would be shocked at the sight of Hoseok in the midst of tears. Changkyun on the otherhand, was a stoic and quiet individual, he was good at internalizing feelings and didn't get emotional often. 

But here he was, crying rough and ugly on the hard floor of this beaten down studio, the wall mirror reflecting his tear stained face in perfect clarity. Hoseok inched forward slowly with a hand outstretched, as though calming a spooked horse, and Changkyun watched him through watery eyes. Eventually, he kneeled down beside him.

"Kkukkung, tell me what's wrong, what happened, why are you so upset?"

Changkyun buries his face in his elbow and violently shakes his head. Hoseok reaches out to gently place a hand on his shoulder, and carefully pulls the younger boy into his chest.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me, I don't need to know, just breathe Changkyunnie." He rubs small circles on his back and pushes his bangs off his face and holds him close as he cries. Selfishly, there's a part of him that is grateful he gets to hold him, if for just a little while. If for all the wrong reasons.

Hoseok watches the two of them in the mirror, and lets the minutes pass by.

 

* * *

 

When Hoseok was seventeen, he sees Hosung again for the first time in almost ten years. 

He was at the convenience store, picking up ramen and debating using his fake ID to buy smokes too. He had just decided that yes, it was a "I need to smoke" kind of day and had placed his items on the counter to be bought- when he walked in. 

Hoseok had been two inches taller than him when they were kids but Hosung must've had a major growth spurt sometime in the last ten years because he was now at least four more than him. 

Hosung and him meet eyes for a solid five seconds and for some reason he can't discern at this time he is praying that Hosung does not recognize him.

But, the universe has never been kind to kids like Hoseok, not in his seventeen years of life.

"Hey! You! You're uh...I'm sorry I'm blanking on the name, but we were in school together weren't we?" Hosung says it casually, his eyes squinting as though it will help him formulate the memories better.

And Hoseok freezes up. Completely and dumbly. He just looks at Hosung wide eyed because he may not remember him that well but Hoseok could never forget him or his name. This is the kid who he had his first kiss with when he was twelve and who had ended said first kiss by giving him a punch in the face in return. Afterwards, he had completely ignored Hoseok until he had moved away the summer after. 

And the thing was- Hoseok wasn't twelve anymore, he wasn't. He was seventeen with five more years of life experience and he had kissed other boys who hadn't given him a bloody nose after. He had loved a man, had loved him more than he thought it was possible to love another person. And he'd had his heart broken and cried about it and gotten the fuck over it. So why couldn't he say two damn words?

"I- uh I, yeah we, we knew eachother." He mumbles quietly, shifting from foot to foot anxiously. He feels unhinged and uncomfortable and is sure that the worker noona witnessing this must think he's absolutely insane because of the way he's acting.

Before Hosung can even respond, Hoseok halfheartedly raises a hand in farewell and stumbles out the door with his ramen and cigarettes still waiting to be bought on the counter.

He speed walks home and finds himself alone; his brother still at school and his mother working, so he slowly slides his back down against the door and sobs into his hands.

And it's dumb, Hoseok _knows_ this is dumb, it was a long time ago and it wasn't even super important and he shouldn't be so fucking upset about it, it's not like Hosung had come into the convenience store and punched him in the face again a second time. Who cares about some shitty ass kid he hasn't seen in forever?

But something about seeing him, looking at that face again, brought him back to being twelve years old. He remembers then, of being so unafraid of who he was and so naive to what that meant and Hosung had ruined it all in a single moment and it wasn't a good feeling. Not by a long shot. And the thing was for a long ass time he had blamed himself for it, blamed himself for not reading the signs, for taking a chance when he shouldn't have. For not knowing better. 

And it sucks- because his first instinct when he saw Hosung in that store was to _apologize_  for it. For some meaningless, innocent kiss that lasted two seconds when they were kids. 

And it sucks even more- because Hosung probably hardly remembers something that had been such a weight on him. Probably doesn't remember the blood afterwards. The tears. Or never talking to him again. He got to leave the summer after and remain ignorant to the memory as it slowly faded. But Hoseok carried it with him. All this time. A weight he hadn't even realized he carried until it hit him like a fist to the nose tonight in a convenience store.

So he supposes he had largely compartmentalized that whole experience, not even telling Ashton about it, and that's the thing about trauma you never let yourself acknowledge: it has a tendency to sneak up on you when you least expect it. Sometimes, a person doesn't have to hurt you again; whether it be physically or emotionally or both, sometimes being reminded of it is painful enough.

Sooner or later; Hoseok breathes in deep, wipes his swollen eyes, and stands up off the ground. He takes out a pan to make fried rice, his mom is working late tonight and his brother will be hungry.

The world keeps on turning. 

Hoseok holds a cup under the faucet with shaking hands and wishes he had bought those cigarettes. 

 

* * *

 

Every once in a blue moon, by some grace of God, someone in the group gets lucky and scores a solo room. That day -two days after Minkyun's visit and the event that followed- on a small excursion to Japan the world seems to be smiling on him because he is the lucky winner. He works out and showers early, he's lounging in one of his old tshirts and some ratty pajama bottoms he's had for four years. In short: he's having the absolute time of his life. 

At 10:07 PM, he's lying in bed and debating the age old question of whether he should touch himself or just go to sleep when there's a knock is at his door.

He can't fight the surprise he feels at the fact that it was Changkyun on the other side.

They hadn't really talked, after Hoseok had discovered him crying alone mid breakdown. Eventually, the sobs had stopped and Changkyun had shakily said he was fine to go home and didn't want to talk about it. So Hoseok had gently wiped leftover tears from his eyelashes with the tip of his finger and left him be. He tried to ignore the hurt he felt at being shut out _again._ It had admittedly made him distance himself from the boy the past few days.He knew he'd get over it sooner or later, but right now he just wanted to let himself be sensitive and justify others feelings without negating his own. Besides, he didn't think Changkyun would even be itching to hang out much anyway.

And yet, here he was. 

 _"_ Hi hyung"

"Hi Changkyun-ah, what are you doing here?" He closed the door behind the younger as he stepped inside his room. The air between them was strange, filled with a tension that he couldn't quite place as he focused his attention on picking at a stray string on the end of his tshirt. With his eyes trained towards the floor he noticed that Changkyun was shifting back and forth on the balls of his feet, a nervous gesture that was not helping Hoseok's own anxiety over the state of their friendship as of right now. He feels as though they're in limbo, each treating the other as though they're made out of glass and neither wanting to be the one that breaks first. An unspoken closeness in rare moments that results in a further distance the majority of the time. 

And Changkyun hasn't responded to his question so he tries an attempt to lighten the mood for both of their sakes, "If you're here to try and bribe me to switch rooms- you can forget it right now. You can handle Jooheon and his snoring for one night kid."

He raises his head back up to check and see if there's at least a silent smile waiting for him and instead makes eye contact with a straight faced Changkyun. The air shifts. Something unpredictable and wild crackles in the air and he flexes his fingers, feeling skittish. Changkyun still isn't saying anything so Hoseok opens his mouth to try again.

It's at that very moment that Changkyun kisses him.

And he kisses him _hard_ , in a decidedly not sexy, please-don't-break-my-nose kind of way, and Hoseok is so unbelievably shocked that all he can do is cry out in surprise (and pain) Changkyun tears his mouth away at the sound and his lips are freed.

The eyes looking at him are wide with panic, "Shit- shit I'm sorry hyung I've never done that before I'm sorry I was just-" Changkyun's face is fire engine red and his hand is to his mouth in horror, and despite the minor sting still tingling Hoseok's nerves he can't help but think it's absolutely adorable.

"No, no it's okay. Here, just." And he delicately takes the younger's face in his hands, tilts his head back and pulls their lips back together.

And this time, yeah, this time- that's more right. 

He felt weightless, his head filled with white noise that canceled out everything else, leaving him aware only of Changkyun – of his touch, his taste and his smell. CHangkyun is being timid with him, seemingly losing some gusto after the nose incident, and doesn’t fight for control of the kiss, content to let Hoseok explore his mouth. Hoseok feels shaking hands gentle around his waist to keep him close, and Hoseok is again reminded of his inexperience. He puts a comforting hand on the back of his head as he starts moving; maneuvering backwards with an armful of writhing, gasping Changkyun until he gets the boy pressed against the door to help keep him steady and grounded. Changkyun is still so rigid and tense, and Hoseok rubs his thumb against the nape of his neck to remind him to breath and _relax._ It seems to do the trick because the boy melts into his touch and eventually, sighs of desire leave Changkyun's lips with the coaxing of Hoseok's tongue.

They kiss forever.

Hoseok can hardly think anymore but the one coherent thought that won't leave is this is _dangerous._ Beyond dangerous. For a million and one reasons. He needs to stop. Needs to- needs to-

He breaks the kiss with a gasp, and a string of spit pulls and breaks between them. And that should not be as hot as it is but Hoseok can't remember ever being this turned on this quickly- Changkyun's eyes are glassy and his lips swollen, looking so utterly debauched it's almost unfair- but he's still fucking blushing. He wants to worship this beautiful boy; get down and pray to him like an idol; he wants to get closer, wants to see if Changkyun is in the same state he's in, wants to feel. But he needs to get a handle on the situation first.

Whatever he was going to say dies in his throat when he feels lips on his neck. But somehow, he perseveres. He deliriously thinks he should get a medal for self control. 

"Changkyun stop. Sto-ah" Whatever wicked thing Lim-allegedly-never-kissed-anyone-before-him Changkyun is doing to his jaw with his tongue ceases, and he pulls away with his brows furrowed and his lips slick with spit.

It takes Hoseok a good couple of seconds to remember how the fuck to function. His head is spinning at what this means, at all the questions he wants to ask and all the answers he wants to get. 

"Right. I'm not, not complaining at all. Like whatsoever. Nada. But can I ask where in hell that came from?" 

"I don't know what I'm doing."

"Noted. You sure know how to make a statement."

Changkyun looks down sheepishly, but gazes at him through his bangs to respond, "I haven't been able to stop thinking of that kiss."

Hoseok feels his heart leap at the sincerity in his voice, and can only hope he can convey the same in his answer. 

"I haven't either."

Changkyun reveals a small smile at that that shows more relief than Hoseok thinks he realizes, and he hopes his smile in return is reassuring.

Either way, his answer seems to give Changkyun some confidence, "I don't know how this is supposed to work. I don't know who I am or what this means and I'm kind of scared absolutely shitless," He pauses, "But you held me when I cried, and you smell really good and make me laugh, and you didn't hate me after that first time so I thought maybe that means you understand." 

They're still so close that their foreheads are touching and Hoseok feels his entire being melt into a gooey puddle of affection as he whispers, "I do understand Changkyunnie. I do."

Then there's the million dollar question:

"So what are we going to do now?"

Hoseok swallows, because Changkyun is young and inexperienced and he needs to be the voice of reason in this situation.

"This is going to be dangerous Changkyun, you need to understand all the reasons why this could go wrong."

"I know but- I really liked that. A lot"

Hoseok would be lying if he didn't feel a certain sense of pride hearing that.

"Changkyun, this is all so new to you. If we do this, we can't just jump right in. For both of our sakes."

"I wouldn't ask that of you, and I'm too nervous for that anyway. You think I haven't been losing my mind working up the courage to even make a move like I did?" And good lord every time Hoseok thinks that this boy can't get more endearing and sweet, he opens his mouth to speak again.

Hoseok couldn't deny him even if he tried. Even if he wanted to.

"If you want to just play it by ear and figure it out as we go- then we can. I can, I can do that Changkyun."

Changkyun doesn't respond, but when he leans in to press a gentle kiss to his lips, he gets all the answer he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the plot thickens o shit  
> (also for anyone concerned- don't worry. zero past no mercy people will be a "villain" or bad guy in this i promise)
> 
> around rush era it seems like wonkyun were really tight and getting along well, but then around the time of their right now series things appeared kinda awkward and changkyunnie seemed more distant for a little while, so that kinda played a part in how i worked out the timeline of this. 
> 
> also i addressed this in a comment but figured i'd also say it here, i'm thinking this fic will end up being about 8-10 chapters, right now it's planned to conclude right around fighter era. If i'm feeling it i might do an epilogue post-fighter bc wonkyun has been so fuking touchy this era it's killing me but no promises.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and commenting! this fic has kinda become my baby and hearing what other people think is such a huge help as a writer i cannot stress this enough


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really apologize for the wait on this one, end of the year school stuff combined with working more hours at my job combined with Life and a touch of writers block all took precedent for awhile. but i have the last chapter written already so after i post the next one, the last should be up pretty quick
> 
> thanks for sticking with me!

Being Changkyun's friend was awesome, Hoseok had figured this out pretty quickly after a few weeks of knowing him.

Because he was funny, and kind, and much more empathetic than he let on. Always willing to lend an ear or a comforting arm around the shoulders when necessary. He worked hard in all he did, but was still easygoing enough to have a good time with.

So being his friend-but-sometimes-they-makeout is even fucking better.

They're all riding a good high right now, the time around a comeback is always exhausting and gratifying in equal measure, but releasing All In especially had felt like the forward momentum they were all desperate for in the year of 2016. Hoseok was someone who needed to feel like he was doing something, whether it by practicing or mixing or creating- he liked productivity, liked progress. So All In was like the perfect adrenaline high he's been searching for.

And yeah, the more regular sex most definitely helped his mood. 

Truthfully, regular and sex were both strong words. Sleep and work came first, and sleep and work always tended to reach them before they could reach eachother; not to mention Changkyun still was pretty flighty about the whole deal. Some days, it felt like Changkyun could hardly control himself. One minute they'd be sitting quietly side by side in the green room, each immersed in their own things, the next he'd feel Changkyun's hand rest lightly on his thigh, and before he knew it there'd be grabby hands and desperate whines barely contained in whatever semi private room they could find at the spur of a moment. Other days, Changkyun went completely cold towards him. Barely acknowledging Hoseok at all, as a friend or anything else. Days when it felt like he would do his damnedest to ignore Hoseok and his entire existence so thoroughly that once or twice Hyunwoo even stepped in to see if they were fighting.

It was confusing and it was complicated, it felt complicated at least.

Hoseok felt like he was walking a tight rope constantly, and it was exciting and heartbreaking and shitty and fun and overall a total mindfuck to his emotions. His feelings constantly buoying between tender love-the way Changkyun would hold his hand so tight when they kissed, as if he needed the reminder that Hoseok was real; to a bitter anger- the days when Changkyun would not even look him in the eyes.

And talking to him about it was even more complicated, he struggled between worrying he was overreacting about the whole thing versus not being sensitive enough to Changkyun's sexuality crisis versus feeling like he was letting himself be used and stepped on. But he didn't want to lose Changkyun. That was the only thing he knew for sure. And he thinks if he tries to tell him any of this, it'll fuck it all up.

He knew in his heart of hearts that this wasn't healthy, what they were doing. He couldn't be someone's experiment forever. It wasn't fair.

But when it was good, god damn was it so good.

They kissed a lot, made out behind closed doors like Hoseok was fifteen again against a tree- and sometimes that's all they would do. Get lost in eachothers lips and rock against eachother until the only thing keeping them both upright was the steady weight of the other person. Other times, they'd do a little more. When Hoseok would feel a hard cock against his thigh and the younger's fingers skimming under his tshirt, still so shy, still so unsure. Hoseok couldn't help but ask to slip a hand in his pants. He'll never forget Changkyun's face when he touched him for the first time: his eyes squeezed shut, his cute little mouth making a perfect O, his cheeks flushed, he had gripped Hoseok wrist so tight Hoseok was worried it would break and he had let gently led him to orgasm.

It was a little dry, most definitely not the best handjob Hoseok has ever given. But he took comfort in the fact that all Changkyun had to compare it to was his own hand, and next time he could make it better. Using spit and precum to help them along, eventually Hoseok had to use his clean hand to cradle the whimpering boys neck as he rubbed his thumb against the sensitive head peeking out from his jeans. In his frenzy, Hoseok couldn't help but think Changkyun's cock was just as cute as the rest of him. Afterwards, he had held eye contact as he slowly licked the come off his fingers and Changkyun had given him such a scandalized look from under those half lidded eyes that Hoseok still laughed just thinking about it. After Changkyun had come he'd panted into Hoseok's mouth and sloppily kissed his jaw and squeezed his hip as Hoseok jerked himself off to the thought that no one else had touched Changkyun like that but him. Only him.

That's as far as they've gotten, though.

Hoseok doesn't want to pressure Changkyun, so he never asks for anything in return. He knows that he is young and inexperienced and Hoseok is okay with just this, really. Truthfully, he has always been a very giving lover- putting his partners pleasure before his. And seeing Changkyun debauched already does a lot for Hoseok, so he isn't complaining. Besides, his sex life had been so dry since he became a trainee that even the little activity they did was enough to keep him going. He was okay going slow, and he meant that.

So physically, it's good. Great even.

Emotionally it's, it's okay too. Really.

This arrangement is working out fine emotionally, really. It's not a big deal. 

Hoseok hears if you repeat something enough, eventually you'll start to actually believe it.

 

* * *

 

When Hoseok was twenty-one, he tried to come out to his mom.

Technically, he supposes he already did, when he told her about liking Hosung. But he wasn't sure if that time he was twelve quite counted, because he hadn't really understood what it meant back then. He didn't do say it with the intention of coming out, he said it with confusion. The next time, the right time, he wanted to do it properly.

Over the years, he'd envisioned it a lot of different ways. He imagined telling her alone, or out in public; telling her bluntly or starting from the beginning; explaining Ashton and bisexuality and how finding himself felt like flying.

He wonders what she'd say to that. 

Because Hoseok loves a lot of things in his life, (i.e music, monbebes, performing, his bandmates) and feels a lot of things, but nothing has ever and will never be as strong and true as how much he loves his mother. She is the reason he works hard because she is the one who taught him to be that way, she has bled and sweat and cried for him. Has held him when he thought his world was coming apart, even on the days when she didn't understand why. Even when he was immature and selfish, when he would hurt her because he himself was hurting; when he would project his own bitterness onto her. When he took so much more than he gave. She still loved him, still believed in him. And regardless of the scars, regardless of the painful moments, he loved her. 

So, because he loved her so much. He had really wanted his coming out to go well. Every word, every reaction, every possible worst and best case scenario he feels like he's gone over in his head more than once. He's twenty one now, he's older and more mature; he's working and training to be an idol just as he's always dreamed. He's making strides in his life, finally, and he feels like this is the perfect time.

In the end, he decided something simple and lowkey would be best, so over dinner was the plan. His brother was gone for the night, so it was just the two of them.

He doesn't like thinking about it much, but this is a quick synopsis of how that conversation went:

"Eomma, suppose I know somebody, and he feels things that may be hard to explain at first, but he is still the same person he has always been."

"What do you mean?"

"Suppose, that this person, liked both girls and boys, they could love either gender."

"That doesn't make sense love," She pauses to take a sip of water, and Hoseok tries to keep his face neutral.

"If he can like girls, then he must choose that, when you have the choice to be normal or to be abnormal, why ever choose abnormal?"

And there's a lot Hoseok wants to say to that, a lot he feels like he has to, but in the end; he eats his kimchi fried rice at their little kitchen table and says nothing at all.

Because he loves her so much, and the thought that she will think him abnormal hurts too much for him to bear.

He is a coward, but he'd rather be a coward forever then lose the people he loves. 

 

* * *

 

Hoseok honestly thinks he could spend the rest of his life kissing Changkyun.

When this had first started, he'd been too caught up in the euphoria of finally kissing the object of his affections for his other senses to catch up. Now though, that euphoria had faded into an easy familiarity and a comforting presence, they could slip into a kiss the way that one slips into a good book or a morning cup of coffee. Gone is the shy inexperience of the first one; Changkyun has been a fast learner, and Hoseok is all to happy to indulge in the results of his teachings.

They're out of Seoul, staying just outside of Daegu to begin some promotions come the next morning. The hotel is a ratty little thing, with worn carpets and fraying sheets. It has an overall smell of mildew that permeates the air no matter where one goes. Hoseok looks forward to the days when they'll be able to stay at places inside the city, dreams of those fluffy pillows and big windows waiting for them. In the meantime though, he tells his roommate Hyungwon as much, they should just suck it up. Hyungwon mutters something about telling that to the mysterious wet spot right where Hoseok is standing, and then goes back to sleep. Hoseok takes a mental note to wash his feet as soon as possible and retreats.

Since Monsta X is an odd group of people, normally they stay in pairs and Changkyun stays with the manager. Today, the manager was busy doing some last minute prep for their schedules tomorrow and as a result was not in the room. It had started innocently enough, Hoseok needed to thoroughly treat his bleached hair and Changkyun's room had the biggest bathroom to do it in. This way, he had more space to do what needed to be done to his poor, painful scalp and he wouldn't wake up a tired Hyungwon in the process. 

It really had started innocently enough.

So Hoseok isn't sure how they ended up on the bed.

And they're kissing, like they've been doing for awhile now, like how Hoseok likes. And it feels good and easy like it always has until suddenly it doesn't.

Because two days ago he'd been crying in his room because Changkyun hadn't talked to him at all that day even though nine hours before his hand had been under the others shirt. Yet now here they were, doing this again. Just like that. And all of a sudden it was not fun or simple, it just felt wrong. He thinks that maybe the kisses aren't as sweet when you know that you'll be shunned come morning. So Hoseok does something he has never done before, he pulls away.

"What's wrong?" Changkyun says, his face twisted in confusion.

"I'm just, tired. Not in the mood anymore. Sorry." He doesn't want to look at Changkyun, he _can't_ look at Changkyun, because he's so, so weak. And if he sees those swollen lips he knows he'll fall right back into them. 

"Are you upset? What happened?" 

Hoseok wants to say _you, you happened_ but stays silent because he's a coward as well as weak, and this is a conversation he isn't ready to have. Even though he should be rejoicing, here is Changkyun, caring about his feelings, asking what he can do to help, and now it's Hoseok that is shutting him out instead of the opposite. This is everything he's been wanting and he's rejecting it because he fucks up _everything_ and can't get any of it right and-

He feels arms hesitantly wrap around his middle, and Changkyun scoots closer and rests his head against his shoulder blades. 

"I'm sorry," He whispers into Hoseok's nape, his lips tickle Hoseok's neck. Before Hoseok can ask "for what?" Changkyun continues on speaking.

"I'm sorry- for it all. I know that I haven't been easy to deal with recently, and I hate that I hurt you, because I feel like I have, I've been treating you badly,"

A beat passes. "I'm just scared."

Hoseok wonders if he really is so transparent that Changkyun was able to so quickly discern what was wrong, or if maybe Changkyun knew this was coming just as surely as Hoseok did. No matter how much he tried to avoid it, neither one of them were foolish enough to think this moment wasn't painfully, achingly inevitable. 

Hoseok twists around so now Changkyun's arms are around his neck and his legs bracket Hoseok's lap. He studies the youngers face. Takes in his tense posture and lowered gaze, and he can feel the guilt rolling off him in waves. And in the past- that may have been enough. In the past, this is where he may have babied Changkyun. In the past he may have hid his own fears behind promises of "later" or "another time" to avoid conflicts, but today he knows he can't. Because when you want something you fight for it. And Changkyun will never have the right to say he didn't fight for it. For them.

So he takes a deep breath and he speaks.

"What are you scared of?"

Changkyun worries his lip between his teeth as he thinks of the words, and his response comes out in a single rush of breath as though if he says it fast enough it will be less true, "I'm scared of liking boys, of my parents knowing, of our bandmates knowing- oh  _god or_ the company or the fans knowing."

"You don't think I'm scared too?" Hoseok responds softly.

"No it's not, it's just, you're..you! You have experience and age and I don't know, you always seemed to have it so figured out. I didn't want to seem more silly and young than i already do, so I tried to act as though what we're doing isn't important or a big deal."

He hesitates.

"But...to me, it is. It's the _biggest_ deal, and I just keep running away from you even though you're so good to me because I feel like it's too big for me to deal with."

Hoseok listens to the others words and thinks for the first time, what this must have been like for Changkyun. Not being with a man, which was the way that he had seen it this entire time, but being with _Hoseok._ He doesn't know much about Hoseok's sexual history but he knows he has one. Hoseok had never even entertained the idea that Changkyun would be so intimidated by it, by him. That he would be afraid that he wouldn't want him because of it.

He grabs the others hand tightly, "Changkyun, I may have been with guys before but I'm scared. Terrified, actually. When you shut me out, it doesn't help anyone at all. Least of all yourself or me or _us_."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I freaked out and fucked it up and made you feel shitty and I just feel, awful." Changkyun actually sounds like he's on the verge of tears, and Hoseok feels such an overwhelming rush of emotion that he has to take a moment to swallow against the lump in his throat.

"I know it's hard, figuring all this out. But you need to stop thinking you're alone, because I swear to you, you're not. If it's too big to deal with on your own, then we deal with it together."

And he feels the need to say one last thing, just to clear the air a little bit more.

"And just so we're clear, you being young or inexperienced is not something you need to be ashamed of. Ever."

"Okay. If you say so." He replies, looking at their intertwined hands.

"I'm serious Changkyun, you do understand what I'm saying right?"

"I do hyung, I promise." For the first time in what feels like way too long, Changkyun is looking at him dead in the eyes. His expression open and serious, and Hoseok feels his body slacken in relief. They _can_ communicate, they _can_ overcome obstacles together. They can _do_ this.  

As he lays his head back down, his eyes go past Changkyun's body and reach the clock and the number staring back out him makes him widen his eyes in surprise. Hoseok hadn't realized just how late it was, but between the very start of the make out session turned couples therapy session hours had passed. And just like that, he was exhausted. The emotional gament they'd both just run through tiring him out, and now that the adrenaline of effective communication was fading; he was just ready for sleep. And he almost gets there, but just as he's ready to fall over the precipice a shrill phone call jolts him out again and there's a Changkyun shaped hole next to him. He blearily blinks his eyes and hears Changkyun's deep voice speaking into the receiver. When the younger comes back to bed, Hoseok is waiting.

"What was that?" He groans into the pillow.

"Manager."

Their manager had called to say he was not going to be back till morning, so Hoseok made the executive decision to not leave the bed. Honestly, even if that call hadn't happened he was not planning on moving. If their manager had come back and saw the two of them sharing a bed (as long as clothes were on) it really wouldn't be the most out of the ordinary thing he had seen in their time together. But regardless, the worry that he would not walk in on them in the middle of the night was a relaxing thought. Hoseok's eyes immediately closed again, not sleeping but most definitely getting there. This time, he really, really thinks he'll get to sleep; but before long he feels the comforting presence of the other boy shift _again_.

"Hyung? Are you awake? Can I tell you something?" His voice is soft and gentle, but there's a determination there Hoseok normally only hears in the studio or on stage. It makes him shake out of his rest just a little more. Hoseok keeps his eyes closed, but puts his hand on Changkyun's shoulder to show he's listening.

"Of course, shoot."

"I'm gay." 

Hoseok's eyes snap open at the sudden, unprompted confession. Changkyun is biting his lip again, looking at Hoseok expectedly. Even out of it from sleeping, he knows that this is huge. Hoseok can only guess what a pivotal moment this is not only for them, but for Changkyun personally. 

He smiles at Changkyun, "Yeah?"

"Yeah...yeah." 

Changkyun turns on his back and looks up, now that he has the momentum going he seems ready to continue his announcement; the ugly gray ceiling appears to be the perfect target.

"I'm gay. I'm gay I'm gay I'm gay, I like boys and only boys and don't like girls at all I'm gay. I'm gay! I like penis and I'm gay."

With each word that passes his lips, Hoseok hears the confidence in his voice grow and grow, and feels his own smile widen and widen. He knows this is a moment he will never forget, as long as he lives. And Changkyun brought it into existence all by himself, for himself; and that makes it feel even more amazing. Personal history is being written, and he is honored Changkyun let him be a part of his own.

"Do you feel better?" Hoseok asks him from across the scratchy pillow.

"A little, I've never actually said it out loud before." 

Hoseok leans closer to him and kisses his cheek. He wants to say: I'm so proud of you, I'm so gone for you, thank you for trusting me, for choosing me. 

Hoseok doesn't have the energy to hold his tongue anymore. He's tired of not saying what he thinks.

So, he does.

Changkyun's smile is brighter than any sunrise or sunset he has ever seen.

 

* * *

 

Morning comes, Changkyun is still beside him. Changkyun is still in his arms. 

Hoseok yawns and rubs Changkyun's back underneath his sleep shirt.

"Did you sleep well?"

"On and off, I was thinking a lot." Changkyun replies.

"What time is it?" 

"About six thirty."

"We have another hour before we have to get up? God, this day is starting off great." Hoseok says with a happy stretch of his arms over his head.

He is currently enjoying basking in this glorious moment, but he stops when he sees the grave look on the youngers face and flicks his collarbone in concern.

"What are you thinking about Changkyunnie? I can pratically hear the gears turning in that big, beautiful brain of yours." The younger really does seem deep in thought, and Hoseok realizes how tired he looks. He realizes that he may not have been exaggerating when he said he was thinking most of the night.

"There are no gay rappers Hoseok."

And that wakes up Hoseok pretty damn quick. His heart drops through the floor, and it takes him a second to form a good response. There's no easy answer to give him, and that's the part that makes it all so hard.

"I'm sure there are...but if not you can be the first."

Changkyun seems to consider this for a moment as he rest his head on Hoseok shoulder.

"There are no gay _Korean_ rappers" Changkyun eventually clarifies.

"That's not true, there's you."

"But...will that be enough?" He says, looking up uncertainly at Hoseok. His hair is all askew from sleep, and Hoseok could coo if this moment was not so serious, not so exceedingly important.

He doesn't think he'll ever get over these moments when Changkyun is so vulnerable with him. He feels the only correct way to respond is with the truth, and he believes every single word that he says next with all of his heart.

"You will always, always be enough." He replies seriously, his thumb coming to draw soothing circles on the others cheekbone. Those words are familiar to him, and he can't remember exactly; but he thinks it's because Changkyun might have said something very similar to him many, many months ago. Changkyun has always believed in him, even then, and now Hoseok wants to return the favor. 

And that seems to do the trick for now, Changkyun's eyes already beginning to drop as his lack of sleep catches up to him. Hoseok thinks that they both know that this is not the end of this conversation. Of this reality that is painfully theirs, of this industry and this place and these people. It will wait lurking in the corners; ready to strike at the ones who must hide in the dark, the ones like them. But that is something that can be faced later, that can be faced together. 

"Thank you." Changkyun whispers. 

Hoseok doesn't respond for a few minutes, and by the time he does Changkyun has fallen back asleep. It seems the questions that were keeping him up have finally been appeased for now, and it makes Hoseok sigh in relief that Changkyun can at long last rest easier.

His reply, that murmured I love you, is lost between threadbare sheets and golden light, but in that moment Hoseok knows it had never felt more perfect.

 

* * *

 

That day during their schedules, Hyungwon comments that Hoseok seems lighter than he has been in months.

All Hoseok can do is smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to play a little bit with negative aspects of not only keeping a relationship a secret, keeping it undefined, but also with the struggle of still accepting who you are while also being with another person. that is the huge difference in how changkyun and hoseok approach the relationship, and it is prevalent in how changkyun treats it.
> 
> honestly this is def one of those chapters i'd love to write again from changkyunnies perspective bc when hoseok was resting changkyun was just staring at him looking so perfect and trying to work up the courage to say what he did and it makes me so !!! to think about
> 
> all in is another era i thought things were a little weird between wonkyun, so of course i brought that into my timeline again. i thought since they were in such a weird place in their relationship, it would be reflected in their monsta x stuff much more than they (especially hoseok) realized 
> 
> communication is key, don't forget that one kiddos
> 
> i thought, since we're nearing the end (two more chapters!) do any of you have any q's for me? anything you wanna know? it can be about kpop i like, about me, about the fic or other fics i've written/plan to write, about books i like or pets i own or anything really! i just wanted to give y'all a chance to know me more :)


	8. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter after this, y'all it's the final stretch!

When Hoseok had first debuted, he hadn't necessarily thought the climb to the top would be easy, but he had maybe thought it'd be a little bit faster. Monsta X has been a group now for over a year; over 365 days of stage after stage, meeting after meeting, hard day after hard day and Hoseok was starting to get a little antsy. He loved the fans that they had, but he and all the other members could feel the growing pressure on them to succeed. He loved the music they made, but if the music they make isn't doing well then does that even matter?

Around the release of Stuck, Hoseok feels more lost than he has in a long time. He does feel stuck, stuck in a rut of no inspiration and large quantities of desperation that always cycles into a hatred for his ungratefulness for what they have. Trainees look to them in envy, they are so lucky for all that they have been given. What fucking right does Hoseok have to complain if they're not growing as fast as he had hoped? 

It plagues on his mind, that fear. That they will never truly succeed, that they will fade into oblivion. After everything they've been through, they still couldn't survive it. Hoseok is no stranger to anxiety, no stranger to diseases that infect the mind. But being an idol means that those are aspects of himself that must be swept away. Kept under lock and key, no one wants a mentally ill person to worship. And usually, he's good at pretending. Usually, he can keep it under control. Save it for when he's safe in the dorms or a hotel room before it really starts affecting him.

But even Hoseok has bad days, and things like these are not something that you can pick and choose for a convenient time. 

So he's having a panic attack in a closet at Show Champion when Changkyun finds him.

It's times like these that Changkyun is a godsend.

"Get out of your own head hyung, it isn't healthy." He feels the hand on his back before he registers the younger's voice. He leans into the contact easily. The ringing in his ears so loud that he just barely makes out the words being said. 

"Deep breaths, just take slow deep breaths hyung."

After a few moments, Hoseok musters up the clarity to speak, if for just a moment.

"It's not even my own head I'm in Kyun, I heard the producers talking. We need a hit soon, they don't keep around groups who don't do well for long." Hoseok feels like he's crawling out of his own skin, wishes he could take it off and dress himself up as someone better; someone more worthy. His breathing picks up as panic seizes his heart again and his blood stutters in his veins. 

A head rests on his shoulder, and the hand on his back moves in gentle circles. Changkyun is saying something, over and over. And Hoseok tries to focus on the mantra outside rather than the one in his own head. The one that says things he can't bear repeating. They're true, Hoseok knows it all too well. But they're demons he'd rather face when he's not smack dab in the middle of work.

That slow gentle voice in his ear, "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. We still have time, we'll be okay."

Hoseok takes a shuddering breath and speaks again, his cheeks are wet.

"I just, don't want to lose this."

"Lose what hyung? You have us, you have me, you have your family. You have us, you have us, you have me."

"Monsta X, the members, us. None of it is for sure."

Changkyun may say something to respond to that, but Hoseok can't hear him. His heartbeat is slowing, and he is becoming acutely aware of the cold sweat that is sticking uncomfortably to his skin. How much time has passed he is unaware, but he knows their schedules well enough to know that it is too much time for them both to be gone. The others are probably getting worried. He feels his weakness like he feels Changkyun's arms around him. He is an adult, and he is the hyung; he should not have let this happen at all. But here he is, and here they are, in the mess that Hoseok has created for them because sometimes he just can't help it.

Even so, he doesn't move out of Changkyun's embrace; he lets the younger hold him and breathes in the scent that he has come to know so well. Dimly, he hears Changkyun murmur something into the darkness.

"Hoseokie, what made you so afraid of being left behind?" Changkyun says it quietly, more to himself than to Hoseok, but Hoseok registers it loud and clear. It echoes through his brain, sending waves of memories through him.

He holds on to Changkyun a little tighter, and doesn't say a word.

 

* * *

 

When Hoseok was five, his dad left.

Just like that.

One day he was there, and the next he was not. Poof. Almost like magic.

He doesn't remember too much about him to be completely honest, he remembers fragments and pieces but nothing too substantial. Remembers eyes and a nose, a mouth and hair, and he sees some familiarity in those memories when he looks at himself in the mirror. But that is all that connects him to that man anymore. Eyes and noses and mouths and hair. Genetics. But nothing of value. His father had not heard him sing or cooked him dinner or helped him with his homework or kissed him goodnight.

Still, he always knew that his brother was jealous of him.

Because in the others eyes, he is supposed to have been the lucky one, he had something to remember but his younger brother had nothing at all: he had been much too young. When they were kids, Hoseok would make up stories about their father as the two of them shared a bed in their room. His baby brother would look up at him, with innocent eyes that almost glowed in the nighttime, as Hoseok told him about all the lives their father must be living: like the spy, that's why he had to hide from them. He was too deep undercover to be revealed. Or the pirate, he was robbing a faraway island so he could buy their mom a new house. And his brother would clap his hands with glee and they'd smile together under the covers until they both fell asleep. But when the morning came, they would still be alone. Their father never came back. Not with a house or with stories or with honor, and especially not with himself.

And as the years went on, Hoseok supposes he kind of became the father figure for his brother. The one to look up to, the one who was handsome and strong and who his mother relied on. The one who was training to be an _idol_  andhad all the pretty girls looking at him. The cool one, who came home with hickies and cigarette burns. Looking back, Hoseok thinks he could have been a better role model. But rose-colored glasses make even the ugliest parts of Hoseok look interesting to him, and his brother never stopped loving him even when he fucked up so bad that Hoseok thought that even the strongest of glasses couldn't have changed the image he reflected. Then again, even after the worst of fuck ups, Hoseok always came home at the end of the night. They could not say the same for their father. And that must make all the difference.

He feels guilty for how freeing it sometimes feels to be in Monsta X, away from his family. Because he misses them so bad. Every minute, every hour, every single day. Misses them so much it _aches._ But there, he must be strong. He must be the eldest son. Now that he has matured and grown and given up the vices of his younger years in favor of the maturity that must come with taking care of your family, he feels the pressure of it constantly. He must make himself fit into the pieces his father left behind. And no one had never asked him to do that, not with words at least, but Hoseok doesn't know any other way to be with them. This is his role he must fill, and he alone can do it.

But with Monsta X, he doesn't have to be that. Maybe in the beginning, before they knew eachother, he had to pretend with them too. But not now. He can be cute and he can be silly and he can be tough and hard and muscled and still cry and no one will bat an eye. And that feels good, to be able to be him, a person that he sometimes does not even understand. He is a disaster of emotion and contradiction, but his bandmates have never let that deter them. Instead they love him, and keep on loving him, and let him be. And he supposes, in some ways, he finds the missing pieces of his father in all of them; it's in Kihyun's nagging and Hyunwoo's quiet pride and Hyungwon's affection. It's in the way he hugs Jooheon and the way he can laugh with Minhyuk. He supposes it may even be in the way he loves Changkyun. Deep and all consuming. Natural and simple.

They've given him things that his father never did, that his father never will. And maybe, just maybe, that can be enough.

 

* * *

 

A long time ago, millennia even, Hoseok had attributed Changkyun to a sandstorm. Now he knew that if Changkyun was a sandstorm, Hoseok was an earthquake. He shook things up, caused destruction in his emotion but in turn his destruction forms plains and valleys, ravines and cliffs. He brought new creations into being by his own hand, just because he could. As he destroys, so he creates. As Changkyun's winds change the landscapes, so do Hoseok's tremors. Maybe that's why they're so perfect for eachother. They both long to create.

But despite what may happen when two forces of nature collide, Changkyun and Hoseok's first time is much like how they fell in love: there is no fanfare or ostentation, there is no showiness to what they do, but instead it is a quiet affair. The sandstorm has settled for now, has worked itself into Hoseok's bones and taken refuge in his veins, clogging up the arteries until all that remains is 

Changkyun, Changkyun, Changkyun.

They're in another hotel room in another city that Hoseok could remember the name of better if he really tried. But cities are not what's on his mind when he has a writhing, gasping Changkyun spread out on the bed with two fingers in his ass.

They'd had a few discussions on who would do what in this situation, and Hoseok was versatile enough to be fine either way, he just wanted to do whatever Changkyun was most comfortable with first, and then they can switch around more later after he got used to it. To his surprise, Changkyun had wanted to be fucked. In Hoseok's experience, not a lot of young men just discovering their sexuality would be willing to relinquish control like that, to be the one so vulnerable, but Changkyun loved to surprise Hoseok and once again he had prevailed.

Fucking Hoseok was something that they could look forward to the next time.

Changkyun was whimpering from above him, cheeks flushed and hair mussed. His bangs were stuck to his forehead and skin tacky with sweat. Hoseok spied a drop dripping down his neck, and he used his elbows to climb his way back up until his tongue was licking up the stray droplet. Changkyun tensed against him and let out a broken noise in sensitivity and in return Hoseok smiled into his skin and moved back to his position with his head placed on his tummy. Laving over the spot next to his belly button just to make him squirm.

"You're doing so well baby, I'm so proud of you."

"Please...I want....please holy fuck" Changkyun whined pressing his head into the pillow and screwing his eyes shut. The resounding clench against Hoseok's fingers was enough to make his stomach swoop, arousal unfurling hot and dark.

"I know sweetie, I'm going to take such good care of you." He promised into the soft skin of his hip bone, taking a moment to bite hickies into the hollow spaces while he carefully moved his fingers inside the younger. 

They fell into a rhythm – Hoseok pushing his fingers in, Changkyun breathing in a shaky inhale whenever he reached particularly deep within him. Hoseok kept his lips busy, pressing them against the wildly beating pulse he could feel in the hollow of Changkyun's throat, over the hardened nipple he could just reach with his mouth and of course over Changkyun's own mouth, opening to him without a slightest hint of hesitation. Changkyun was releasing the most beautiful sounds, his brain-to-mouth filter obviously reaching the point of no return, too far into his own pleasure to feel self-conscious about it. 

When Hoseok eventually reached over to put on a condom, Changkyun didn't want to let him go. He whimpered after him, making grabby hands to try and get him closer again and Hoseok leant back down so they were face to face, chest to chest. Nothing between them. He made soothing sounds as his hand stroked Changkyun's hair.

"Shhh relax Changkyunnie, I'm not going anywhere."

Changkyun made a pleased sound at the nickname, and Hoseok took one more second to admire the beautiful flush on his cheeks. It crept down his neck until it bloomed on his chest, and Hoseok could not believe someone so beautiful could exist. But before he moved any further, there were some things that had to be done. Gently, he ran his fingers over the others eyelids, encouraging them to open. When he say Changkyun's wide, brown eyes staring back at him he began to speak.

"Are you sure you're ready for this? I'm okay with waiting as long as you need."

The smile that the younger gave him made his chest clench so tightly he thought that he may not survive this. He felt Changkyun's hands come up to rest on either side of his face, and Hoseok has never been more hopelessly, overwhelmingly in love.

"Thank you, for checking. But I am ready hyung, I am. I want this so much."

"Just, if I'm hurting you, or you change your mind. Tell me and I'll stop, okay?"

"Yes Hoseok, I promise I will."

There was pain, Hoseok was sure there was. He had had enough experience in gay sex to know that the wince Changkyun gave and the unhappy sound he made was from the sting, but Changkyun did not ask to stop no matter how many times Hoseok checked. He just adamantly shook his head and hooked his ankles tighter around Hoseok, trying to keep him as close as possibly. Hoseok still moved over him slowly, cautiously, looking for signs of discomfort, but the tension seemed to be leaving Changkyun’s body in waves, gradually making him relax and enjoy himself. 

"You're taking me so well baby, you're so gorgeous." 

Together, they found their way. They rocked together in the sheets until all coherency had left Changkyun and all he could do was make desperate little sounds when the pleasure become particularly intense. Hoseok could hardly breathe, completely overtaken by the physical sensation combined with the unmistakable emotion running through his head. He wraps a hand around Changkyun's cock, neglected and hard against his stomach, and Changkyun threw his head back into the pillows.

"Hyung please, I'm so close, please I want to come, please." He gasped, his hands were holding onto Hoseok's shoulders with a vice grip, and he was sure he would have bruises come morning. 

"I know baby, come on, you can come, it's okay..that's it."

He ran a thumb over the head of his lovers cock and that was in the end all that it took. His body seized up and he panted as though he was dying, releasing all over both of their stomachs. Hoseok swore into his neck as he quickly followed suit. The pleasure was white hot and made him see stars, and he couldn't hold back what he said if he even tried,

"God, I love you so much Changkyunnie, I love you, I do."

 

* * *

 

Afterwards, they laid in an exhausted pile on the end of the bed. Changkyun had his head resting on his chest as Hoseok ran fingers through his hair. The towel they had used to clean themselves up with lay discarded haphazardly on the floor. The silence was comfortable and compainable, but Changkyun broke it first.

"Did you really mean that? What you said?"

"I said a lot of things, you'll have to be more specific."

"When you said you loved me?"

"Yeah, yeah I did."

Hoseok feels burst apart at the seams, as though Changkyun has torn him apart and sewed him back together with new stitches. Better ones. Stronger ones. He wouldn't lie to him even if he wanted to do it.

"...can you say it again?"

"I, Shin Hoseok, love you, Lim Changkyun. I love you." 

Time moves in slow motion, the moment lasts forever.

"I love you too."

Sometimes, getting what you had always wanted turns out to be not at all what you expected. But sometimes, just sometimes, it is even better than you could have ever imagined.

This is one of those times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, the support is greatly appreciated and i love you all, comments are my fav please tell me your thoughts 
> 
> i don't know if anyone noticed, but this entire time i have very purposely been leaving out mentioning hoseok's dad at all in any flashbacks or present time, because i've been saving it for this chapter. 
> 
> also in between writing the chapters of this, i ended up writing and posting another work to kind of clear my brain out and be creative in a different space. so if any of you are interested in reading more of my writing while waiting for the last chapter of this to be up; feel free to check it out on my profile or use the link here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11457909  
> it's for the kpop group astro and it's Gay and if that appeals to any of you i would love for you to give it a shot :) 
> 
> the last chapter is almost completely done being written, so the wait should be quick. thanks again for all the support!


	9. end

It’s the beginnings of wintertime, so the sun rises early.

The fall has ushered in new changes and challenges in it's wake. The release of fighter is a hard one, with the pressure of relevant success still hanging over Hoseok's head, but it's easier now that he does not keep these fears to himself. Like a tree, Hoseok has grown and his branches have spread. He is learning every day how to be more honest in his feelings, in his weakness, and in that he finds new strength. Strong are the roots that keep him grounded, and even stronger are the ones that connect him to his members. 

They’re lying in bed together now: Changkyun and Hoseok. Light comes through the hotel window, golden and buttery as it bathes Changkyun’s sleeping form. Hoseok looks at his calm face and soft belly; looks at his skin- at his acne scars and stretch marks and fading bruises from when he took a wrong turn during dance practice three days ago and crashed into Minhyuk- and can’t help but think that a being this incredible, this ethereal should not be in his bed.

There's pillow crease marks on his cheeks and drool in the corner of his mouth and Hoseok's arm has reached an uncomfortable level of numbness with it's awkward positioning under Changkyun's torso and yet; there is nowhere he would rather be. No other sight he would rather wake up to.

Hoseok is twenty-three years old and he has a big heart; today, it feels full to the bursting.

He wishes that he could tell his eight year old self this. That boy, so lonely and full of longing.

He wishes, that he could tell his twelve year old self this. That boy, so angry, so afraid, so sure that he would forever be unwanted.

He wishes he could tell his fifteen year old self this. Lost deep in the kind of love that hurts so sweet, trying to fit pieces into puzzles that just don’t quite fit.

And seventeen, all the things to tell seventeen and twenty two and all the numbers in between, that person; so sad, so overwhelmed. He wishes he could tell them all, whisper it in their ears like a soliloquy on stage:

“You will find a boy that breathes life in you.”

“You will find a band that helps you changes everything, at the beginning of this you think you can hardly run a mile but they sign you up for marathon because that is how much they believe in you.”

“Just keep on keeping on kid, you will do more good than you could have ever fathomed.”

Every version of himself over the years has lead him to this, and he would do it all again. Live through all the pain, all the tears, the heartache and the headaches if this is the result of that broken road. All Hoseok has ever asked is to love and be loved in return.

 

* * *

 

At every age, Hoseok has been a reflective person. He's the type to always be looking in the past, reliving his own stories in the hopes that he can find answers there, trying to make sense of how these events shaped the person he is. Maybe that was a product of his insecurity, of his doubts, some desperate wish that in between those versions of himself he's invented; in there is the person that he is meant to be. Somewhere in those masks he has created, whether it be when he was eight or when he was eighteen, there lies his true face.

But maybe, just maybe, he won't find that person that way. Not when he twists his own sense of self so ardently in his own hands.

And so it is at twenty three years old that he realizes maybe, his past is just that, the past. And maybe that's where it should stay. That no matter what perspective he looks at it with, it doesn't change that it happened. And maybe that's okay. Maybe, trapping himself in his own introspection had been his undoing all along. 

The future is a beautiful thing, for him, for Monsta X, for everything he is going to build. 

There are so many memories in this lifetime, and Hoseok is twenty three when he decides he is ready to make new ones.

 

* * *

 

 He watches his partner for a little while longer, and eventually long eyelashes flutter open and Changkyun is looking at him with tired eyes. Even half asleep, he gets bashful under Hoseok’s gaze. Half of the younger's face is quickly hidden in the crook of his elbow but Hoseok can see the corners of his mouth quirk up in a shy smile.

“You’re so beautiful Changkyunnie.” Hoseok whispers.

Changkyun’s smile goes wider and he turns on his back, Hoseok knows him well enough to be sure that he’s trying to hide his blush. Hoseok doesn’t let him, and moves onto his elbows so he can hover over the boy and press gentle kisses to the red staining his cheeks. Changkyun is a sucker for compliments, even if he’ll never admit it, his flush tells Hoseok all he needs to know. Afterwards, he pulls back and can’t help but look, for just a moment, at the person below him. His wide eyes and trusting expression, even in a position so vulnerable.

He watches as Changkyun's mouth forms words carefully, slowly, as though given each one more meaning than the last:

"But you are too, Hoseok. Hyung, you're beautiful too."

And yeah, he hears that he's a lot of things. Sexy, big, strong. But beautiful, that doesn't happen too often.

Hoseok has always been sentimental, so it’s no surprise what happens next.

He feels his eye prick with tears at the sight of his boyfriend, at the sincerity in his words, and he moves his hand to try and brush them away. He feels overwhelmed that all of this young, fresh love is directed at him. Only for him. He feels undeserving, unworthy even. But his heart squeezes painfully at the gratitude that he feels, from the top of his head to the tips of his toes, that he has been trusted with something so precious.

“You’re so mushy.” Changkyun sighs, no longer hiding his smile. He moves a hand up to carefully wipe away any tears that might have escaped Hoseok’s eyes, and his tender touch belies his protesting words.

“Only for you my love.” He replies cheekily, moving his onslaught of kisses on his face down to the younger’s neck, he feels Changkyun squirm underneath him and Hoseok rubs a calming hand against his hip in response.

“Hey Hoseok?”

He looks up, “Yeah? Is this okay?”

“Oh yeah, it- yeah it’s good. I was just wondering, could I ask you something?” Changkyun’s voice is still raspy and deep from sleep, and his eyebrows are furrowed as his surely sleep fuzzy brain tries to formulate whatever it is he is going to say.

“Sure, anything." He nuzzles fondly into Changkyun’s neck.

“How did you first know, you know, about all of this?”

“You’re gonna need to be more specific baby.” 

“I don’t know; you and I, liking boys, all of it. Even when I had doubts, you were always so steady.”

Hoseok smiles despite himself, thinks of how far they’ve come in the past year and a half, thinks of all the time ahead. He thinks of sunsets and sunrises; of coldness and clarity; of yellow and orange- and all they represent. Thinks of every detour that has lead him exactly here.

“When I was eight years old, I had my first crush on a girl. Her name was Jisu and she was beautiful,”

Tomorrow, they must return. Back to being idols, being coworkers, being friends and brothers and sons. They still bear the scars of that life; it’s in the soreness of their muscles and the words left unsaid and the wounds- left on their hearts and under their clothes in equal measure. But today, gloriously and unequivocally, they are Hoseok and Changkyun, alone in a hotel room. That’s all they have to be.

The path they will walk is not going to be easy, he is not naive enough to think so. He never has been. From the moment that Changkyun swept into his life, this is what Hoseok could never have envisioned but will thank whatever deity there may be in this earth for gifting him. Even through the pain, even through uncertainty, they have always come back to eachother. Like two poles, they are drawn to one another. This path will not be easy, but they are not walking alone. 

The day is theirs, and Hoseok’s looking forward to spending it this way. In this bed, bodies wrapped so tight around eachother that the only thing left between them is the promise of the stories Hoseok can finally, finally tell him. Everything.

He figures Jisu is a good place to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a sucker for a happy ending
> 
> and there we have it! I’ve probably never written something so soft in my entire life but Hoseok is soft so i think it works.
> 
> So, now it’s time for some acknowledgements! Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck with this story since the beginning, people who have diligently followed every chapter as I posted, and people who discovered it later and read it all through. Literally just if you took time out of your day to give this story a shot. I am so grateful I was able to contribute something to this wonderful fandom and had such incredible support the entire time. Truly, y’all are awesome.
> 
> I really don’t know what I’ll do next? Now that I've broken the ice on my reentry into fic writing I feel like it’s kind of a waste to stop again when I still have momentum so, we’ll see! Maybe I’ll write more in this universe, because I still do want to do more (changkyun’s POV for some chapters, the group finding out, etc etc), maybe I’ll do a different monsta x fic, or maybe I’ll write something for a different group altogether! I have a lot of drafts so we’ll see what gets finished. Only time will tell!
> 
> Once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading. And especially for commenting! Comments were so integral to this process you guys, it really pushed me to keep going- so a special shout out to all of you! And of course, much love and gratitude for all who leave kudos. I truly hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did.
> 
> feel free to hit me up on my curious cat [here](https://curiouscat.me/bellfromao3)

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written fic in many years and this account was never even meant for me to write fic but desperate times call for desperate measures so i'm still shaking the rust off, hopefully it's okay tho lemme know in the comments.


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